COLLEGE FOOTBALL RIVALRIES

Discussion in 'TM Lounge' started by Solar Bell, Aug 4, 2005.

  1. Solar Bell

    Solar Bell Moderator Staff Member

    8,223
    1,991
    May 11, 2005
    Metro Detroit
    Ok,
    Let's hear about your favorite rivalries,
    Michigan/Ohio State
    Alabama/Auburn
    USC/UCLA




    A Michigan grad picks up an OSU grad on the way to the game. The OSU grad naturally wants to sit in the pick up’s bed. On one of those treacherous rural roads around Columbus, the driver of the pickup truck had to swerve to avoid either a cow or an OSU cheerleader (they're hard to tell apart) and wound up driving off the road, down an embankment and into a river. The truck submerged completely, but the Michigan alumnus knew what to do; he rolled down the window, took a deep breath as the truck cab filled with water, then opened his door when the pressure was equalized and rose to the surface.
    Sadly, the OSU graduate was unable to get the pickup's tailgate open, so he drowned.


    There was a tragic accident at the OSU Student Union Hall yesterday, the electricity went out and 50 students were trapped on the escalator for three hours.

    How can you tell if a married couple roots for Ohio State? There is tobacco juice running down both sides of the truck.


    A Michigan student and a OSU student have a head-on collision. Miraculously, neither is hurt.
    They climb out of their respective vehicles and trade information. Upon hearing the other driver is a OSU student, the Michigan student says, "I believe this wreck is signifying that we need to put aside our differences and become friends."
    The OSUU student agrees, and the Michigan student looks into his car. "Well, what do ya know! Here's a full bottle of Jack Daniel's that isn't broken at all. I think we should each drink to our newfound friendship. In fact, I'll let you have the first drink."
    The OSU student is surprised, but quickly agrees and swallows several large gulps.
    He then offers the bottle to the Michigan student, who says, "No thanks. I'll just wait for the cops to arrive."



    Two football players on the OSU Buckeyes were out hunting. As they walked up a small hill, the downhill hunter tripped on his untied shoelace and his gun went off. The bullet struck his hunting companion in the head and he fell to the ground. The shooter was beside himself but remembered that he had his cell phone with him and called 911. The following was his conversation with the dispatcher.
    Dispatcher: What is the problem?
    Buckeye: (sobbing uncontrollably) I ... I think I just killed my friend!
    Dispatcher: Just stay calm and don't jump to any quick conclusions. First, you need to make sure that your friend really is dead.
    Buckeye: OK. Wait a minute.
    Shortly thereafter the dispatcher hears a gunshot over the phone and then hunter is back on the line.
    Buckeye: OK, now what?

    Q: What does one idiot say?
    A: Dah.

    Q: What do two idiots say?
    A: Dah, Dah.

    Q: What do 100,000 idiots say?
    A: Dah, Dah Dah, Dah Dah Dah Dah... (Ohio's Fight Song)


    Q: What's the difference between a Ohio State fan and a carp?
    A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

    Q: How many Ohio State fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

    Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
    A: On the Ohio State campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

    Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Ohio State weddings?
    A: To keep the flies off the bride.

    Q: Why don't Ohio State fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
    A: Because cats keep covering them up.

    A Buckeye fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

    Q: Did you hear about the Buckeye fan who locked his keys in his car?
    A: He couldn't get his family out.

    Q: Why do Buckeye fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
    A: So they can park in handicap spaces.



    Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Ohio State campus?
    A: A visitor.

    Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Ohio State library?
    A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

    Q: Did you hear about the fire in Ohio State’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
    A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

    Q: Do you know why the Ohio State football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
    A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

    Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the OSU campus?
    A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.

    Q: What does the average Ohio State student get on his SAT?
    A: Drool.

    Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Ohio State University
    A: Six more weeks of bad football.

    Q: What should you do if you find three Buckeye fans buried up to their neck in cement?
    A: Get more cement.

    Q: How do you make Ohio State cookies?
    A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.



    Q: How many Ohio State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, it's a sophomore course.

    An old farmer wants his son to go to Michigan State, but the son's IQ is too high. Since the farmer really wants his son to be an Spartan he takes him to the MSU Vet School and asks to use an IQ-reducing machine. Although the machine is experimental and not meant for humans, they decide the risk acceptable. They strap the son into the machine and turn it on. His IQ starts dropping. 130...110...100...90...80...70...60... When the scientist flips the OFF switch, nothing happens. The son's IQ keeps dropping. 40...30...10..0!!!!. The scientist finally pulls the plug and stops the machine. The farmer runs to his son and shakes him awake, "Son, say something!" Dazed, the son looks him right in the eye and says,
    "GO BUCKS!"

    -cw-
     
  2. BigBadWolf

    BigBadWolf Piano User

    302
    0
    Nov 30, 2004
    Los Angeles, CA
    Well, being a Trojan alum, all I can say is F UCLA!! Bruins suck!
     
  3. rjzeller

    rjzeller Forte User

    Age:
    45
    1,207
    0
    Mar 7, 2005
    Rochester, MN
    Okay, methinks B6 knew ahead of time that there was a Buckeye lurking about this board. Damn him!

    You know, I really had a high opinion of you until that post, cw!

    Really, though ... I don't think there's a better rivalry in college sports than OSU/Michigan. You can say Auburn/'Bama, or UCLA/USC, or FSU/Florida ... but none of them hold a torch in my view. Auburn/'Bama comes close, but it's just not the same.

    See...one thing about OSU/Michigan -- they respect each other. Yeah, we let the jokes fly, and we come up with some pretty stupid bets for "The Game", but when it's all said and done, these two teams to respect each other.

    That is, until the Buckeyes clobber M*CH*G*N this year....
     
  4. Solar Bell

    Solar Bell Moderator Staff Member

    8,223
    1,991
    May 11, 2005
    Metro Detroit
    I agree, MICHIGAN/Ohio State is the best rivalry, hands down. Woody and Bo really put it on the map! Yes we joke and bait each other, but OHIO STATE is a very good program.
    Of course, you must remember that Michigan does have the all time wins record and highest winning percentage of any major school in the USA.
    And yes from Dr. Revelli and on... the best band in the country also!!!
    BTW, you DO know that U of M's band was the first to perform the famous "Script Ohio" don't you?

    GO BLUE!!!

    -cw-
     
  5. rjzeller

    rjzeller Forte User

    Age:
    45
    1,207
    0
    Mar 7, 2005
    Rochester, MN
    OOOH...you suck, B6!! M*ch*g*n has been playing football since the crusaders were using pig farts to blow down castle walls. Who did they play then?

    Nah...I'll give you that one. They got the edge on OSU, too. But I don't count the first 30 years...OSU had some pretty weak programs in their infancy. We didn't really start becoming a dominant program until Paul Brown came to town...

    From 1919 until 1988 it was dead even...then the dreaded John Cooper came to town, sigh.

    But no more. Jimmy T is here to even the score!

    No, they didn't perform THE Script Ohio first. THey DID do their own version of "Ohio" on the field in script, 1932, but it was not the venerable "Script Ohio" as it has been perfomed since it's inception by TBDBITL. Similar, but not the same.

    Okay, you asked for it....

    * * *

    Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."


    General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."

    Dumb Michigan Laws

    A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

    There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office.

    It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.

    You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.

    Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.

    Clawson

    There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

    Detroit

    Couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

    Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.

    It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.

    Alligators may not be tied to fire hydrants.

    It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. According to history and animal husbandry, it prevents them from "rooting" in the ground for their food.

    Grand Haven

    No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.

    Harper Woods

    It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.

    Kalamazoo

    It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.

    Rochester

    All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police.

    Soo

    Smoking while in bed is illegal.

    Wayland
    Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day.

    * * *

    A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

    Muck Fichigan....
     
  6. Solar Bell

    Solar Bell Moderator Staff Member

    8,223
    1,991
    May 11, 2005
    Metro Detroit
    To the tune of "Across The Field".....

    Liquidate Ohio State and turn the Buckeyes blue
    They raise a lot of cattle in Columbus, it smells just like a zoo.
    Knock them off their ivory towers
    Send them crawling back to the showers
    Down with Ohio State--It's a no nothing party school.

    They say the girls who go to OSU are husband hunting dames
    They like the jocks who get the football headlines, not the boys with brains
    At Ohio you're way ahead--with straight A's in physical ed
    Down with Ohio State--it's no nothing party school.

    Move your butts for Tressy!
    Bust your guts for Tressy!

    Liquidate Ohio State and turn the Buckeyes blue
    They raise a lot of cattle in Columbus, it smells just like a zoo.
    Knock them off their ivory towers
    Send them crying back to the showers
    Down with Ohio State--it's a no nothing party schoo--oo-ool!


    -cw-
     
  7. rjzeller

    rjzeller Forte User

    Age:
    45
    1,207
    0
    Mar 7, 2005
    Rochester, MN
    Okay, I was going to leave the fight song off becuase the lyrics are so bad, but here we go (typically sung at the horshoe during the Game every time that band plays that godforsaken tune):

    Hail to the Mother ****ers,
    Hail to the Big **** ****ers,
    Hail Hail to Michigan the cesspoll of the West,
    Hail to the Fornicators,
    Hail to the Masterbaters
    Hail Hail to Michigan the cesspoll of the West,

    But when I think about it, the real lyrics really aren't all that great, either:

    Hail! To the victors, valiant,
    Hail! To the conqu'ring heroes
    Hail! Hail! To Michigan the leaders and best
    Hail! To the victors, valiant,
    Hail! To the conqu'ring heroes
    Hail! Hail! To Michigan the champions of the West!

    ...I mean, really, have they looked a map lately? And can't you come up with more than three lines repeated. But that's them folks from up north...always stuck in the past.
     
  8. ROGERIO

    ROGERIO Mezzo Forte User

    908
    3
    Sep 30, 2004
    PHOENIX, AZ
    :D To think they got all those thousands of dollars from you AND this kind of loyalty to boot... wow :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  9. BigBadWolf

    BigBadWolf Piano User

    302
    0
    Nov 30, 2004
    Los Angeles, CA
    The only thing I know is: Who the National Champion is! Number One baby!

    Fight On!
     
  10. bandman

    bandman Forte User

    Age:
    111
    1,061
    53
    Oct 16, 2004
    Lafayette, LA, USA
    I have no ties to either school, but I love to be in Dallas when Oklahoma plays Texas!!! Those folks really know how to throw a party!
     

Share This Page