Conch Playing Tips

Discussion in 'Trumpet Discussion' started by SmoothOperator, Dec 28, 2013.

  1. Peter McNeill

    Peter McNeill Utimate User

    7,070
    4,663
    Jan 30, 2009
    Melbourne Australia
    We haddock go here... just for the hallibutt! They say Fish-puns are Cod's gift to men.

    There is almost no situation in life that doesn't offer an op-perch-tuna-ty for a good fish pun. If you've ever haddock-ray-ving for piscine based wordplay, there's always one to suit your need. Indeed, some fish are so improbably named that it seems their names were invented sole-ly for the porpoise of punning. Take, for example, the sturgeon, the pike or the particularly oddly named hugetits found in the Mediterranean Sea, particularly in the summer months. Such gifts to the astute wordsmith cannot have come about by accident, and it is tempting to infer that The Almighty created such species, proving not only His existence, but also that He likes a giggle as much as the next man.

    How to use the fish pun

    There is a skill to using fish puns well. Anyone can add a ruffe and ready fish pun to conversation, and have a halibut time. But experts will enjoy more subtle attempts to weaver fish pun into discourse without tang-ling themselves up.

    You may be settling into salmon chanted evening with a dear friend (fishnets look better with eels incidentally) and are angling to impress by becoming a dab hand with your fishy puns. No need to clam up, you don't need to be a brain sturgeon to catch them hook line and sinker, but it is important not to skate around a few important points before trying to reel them in.
    Firstly you need to be in-tuna with your ordnance. Your puns must be in the right plaice or your humour will be left floundering in the shallows with no sole.
    For a successful net result you must catch people's attention.
    Fish puns are welcome any day of the week, barramundi.
    People will consider your humour a load of pollacks if you use too many puns.
    To really get them pouting, you must be subtle and creative with your whiting.

    For some, the fish pun may be an acquired taste. Take for example the case of cunning ling-uist Miss Crabby Patty the fishmongers daughter. She was a Lemon Soul who hated winkles, and cockles, preferring kippers or the whiff of bearded clam. Often she would present her slab and ask ladies to fillet. Despite the fact that she smelt funny many mussel bound seaman tried to dock their tackle, but were never allowed anywhere near her crustacean. She also liked to discus music, her favorite song being the classic Italian folk tune that went, When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's a moray.

    Haddock about enough of this yet?


    No need to carp. Admit it, you're having a whale of a time! There's no need to be koi - while there may be a few gaffs in this article here and there, we're not molly-codling you. You might find a time when a good fish pun is your dace in the hole, particularly if you need to make a few squid.

    But how can fish puns make you money? Well, let's say you were lured in by a loan shark. Eel go overboard to make sure you pay, and you definitely don't want to get battered right? Eminent British humourist Stephen Fry has been making money out of chipping in with fish puns since he was in school, and you too could make a pretty blenny - all you need do is come out of your shell a bit more.

    It's simply a matter of pooling your resources and poaching a few good lines in when you can. If you can get people laughing off the scale, waves of cash will soon be rolling in your direction. Just don't krill the joke by making too many puns at the same time. It's no fluke that I manage it, you've just got to market them in the right way. Maybe you should mullet over with a nice cup of char before you scampi off in a melan-coley mood.

    If you catch our drift.
     
    Vulgano Brother likes this.
  2. Peter McNeill

    Peter McNeill Utimate User

    7,070
    4,663
    Jan 30, 2009
    Melbourne Australia
    More tips, for those waiting with baited breath...

    Whatever you do, don't start trawling around. To save your puns from the jaws of defeat you must keep the endolphins flowing by avoiding the missed-hake of repeating the same puns. You must spawn something new to avoid the stench of sending your ordnance orfe home. Try and tell at least 5 or 6 good ones in a roe before you let them tail off a bit.

    Getting more obscure fish in your puns is always good for a challenge. If you can get a grouper them in, you can allow yourself a celebratory wahoo! For a real challenge, and maximum geek points, try getting the Hylian Loach into conversation - even skilled wordsmiths like Marlin Brando would struggle to slip that in as anything other than a red herring.
     
  3. Peter McNeill

    Peter McNeill Utimate User

    7,070
    4,663
    Jan 30, 2009
    Melbourne Australia
    Try to be more Pacific, and let Minnow when I am Mussel-ing too much as I am trying not to be shellfish whale I mullet over. Now reel-ly, who puns around on porpoise? Just squiddin' around!

    I'll krill a fish to get a batter fish pun!



    I trout you buoys and gills would mak-o it playing Conch. I'm still wading for one of you to come up with somefin funny. I'm gonna have to take yew all down to the station for gills prints on account that you are all splashing nofin but carp.
     
  4. kehaulani

    kehaulani Fortissimo User

    3,457
    2,716
    May 14, 2011
    Hawaian homey
    Good lord, people, just answer the OP's question. Frankly, I find sloughing him off with all of this silly punning unconchionable.
     
  5. tobylou8

    tobylou8 Utimate User

    16,412
    7,535
    Dec 22, 2008
    Virginia
    Again, the moray you practice the more sole you'll eel!!!
     
  6. Vulgano Brother

    Vulgano Brother Moderator Staff Member

    Age:
    60
    12,459
    7,036
    Mar 23, 2006
    Parts Unknown
    It's all about playing the line properly. Don't fish for condiments, though.
     
  7. Peter McNeill

    Peter McNeill Utimate User

    7,070
    4,663
    Jan 30, 2009
    Melbourne Australia
    Somebody throw me a line because im not taking the bait, and as much as I pike this thread, we should give all the buoys and gills some time to let these puns to sink in.

    All of yall are makin me go cray with these puns, however I pike em. This was not an e-fish-ent use of my time. I was just fishing for likes :D
     
  8. kehaulani

    kehaulani Fortissimo User

    3,457
    2,716
    May 14, 2011
    Hawaian homey
    If I'm not mistaking, "true conches" are Strombus, some species residing in the Caribbean but others in the Indian Ocean and the Pacific. Not so?

    (I would hate to see the good name of Duke Kahanamoku besmirched by implying that he didn't blow an authentic conch shell.:D )
     
  9. kehaulani

    kehaulani Fortissimo User

    3,457
    2,716
    May 14, 2011
    Hawaian homey
    Fish use condoms?! :-o
     
  10. Peter McNeill

    Peter McNeill Utimate User

    7,070
    4,663
    Jan 30, 2009
    Melbourne Australia
    You Are correct!!
     

Share This Page