We haddock go here... just for the hallibutt! They say Fish-puns are Cod's gift to men. There is almost no situation in life that doesn't offer an op-perch-tuna-ty for a good fish pun. If you've ever haddock-ray-ving for piscine based wordplay, there's always one to suit your need. Indeed, some fish are so improbably named that it seems their names were invented sole-ly for the porpoise of punning. Take, for example, the sturgeon, the pike or the particularly oddly named hugetits found in the Mediterranean Sea, particularly in the summer months. Such gifts to the astute wordsmith cannot have come about by accident, and it is tempting to infer that The Almighty created such species, proving not only His existence, but also that He likes a giggle as much as the next man. How to use the fish pun There is a skill to using fish puns well. Anyone can add a ruffe and ready fish pun to conversation, and have a halibut time. But experts will enjoy more subtle attempts to weaver fish pun into discourse without tang-ling themselves up. You may be settling into salmon chanted evening with a dear friend (fishnets look better with eels incidentally) and are angling to impress by becoming a dab hand with your fishy puns. No need to clam up, you don't need to be a brain sturgeon to catch them hook line and sinker, but it is important not to skate around a few important points before trying to reel them in. Firstly you need to be in-tuna with your ordnance. Your puns must be in the right plaice or your humour will be left floundering in the shallows with no sole. For a successful net result you must catch people's attention. Fish puns are welcome any day of the week, barramundi. People will consider your humour a load of pollacks if you use too many puns. To really get them pouting, you must be subtle and creative with your whiting. For some, the fish pun may be an acquired taste. Take for example the case of cunning ling-uist Miss Crabby Patty the fishmongers daughter. She was a Lemon Soul who hated winkles, and cockles, preferring kippers or the whiff of bearded clam. Often she would present her slab and ask ladies to fillet. Despite the fact that she smelt funny many mussel bound seaman tried to dock their tackle, but were never allowed anywhere near her crustacean. She also liked to discus music, her favorite song being the classic Italian folk tune that went, When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's a moray. Haddock about enough of this yet? No need to carp. Admit it, you're having a whale of a time! There's no need to be koi - while there may be a few gaffs in this article here and there, we're not molly-codling you. You might find a time when a good fish pun is your dace in the hole, particularly if you need to make a few squid. But how can fish puns make you money? Well, let's say you were lured in by a loan shark. Eel go overboard to make sure you pay, and you definitely don't want to get battered right? Eminent British humourist Stephen Fry has been making money out of chipping in with fish puns since he was in school, and you too could make a pretty blenny - all you need do is come out of your shell a bit more. It's simply a matter of pooling your resources and poaching a few good lines in when you can. If you can get people laughing off the scale, waves of cash will soon be rolling in your direction. Just don't krill the joke by making too many puns at the same time. It's no fluke that I manage it, you've just got to market them in the right way. Maybe you should mullet over with a nice cup of char before you scampi off in a melan-coley mood. If you catch our drift.