If there are any trumpet players who are also band directors like MY band director you will think this is very funny ( Or very NOT funny lol) There's nothing like a mid-year vacation to relieve stress brought on by being a busy band director. Check out the following list. If too many things sound familiar, it may be time for you to "get away from it all" You can feel your head pounding the tempo before the band begins to play. You use Rolaids as a daily supplement to your diet. Just the mention of the word "fundraising" makes you ill. Each class period seems as long as a Jerry Lewis telethon. A missed key signature change in freshmen band class almost gives you a nervous breakdown. You stare glassy-eyed at Nickelodeon until the wee hours of the morning. There's more hair on your hairbrush than on your head. You can't remember the names of your spouse or kids. All of your batons are broken. You answer all questions with a frantic "No!" regardless of subject....and sometimes even before the question is asked. You go to work with clothes that don't match and you don't care. The difference between nightmares and real life becomes blurred. A Sousa march doesn't make you tap your foot. The thought of becoming an administrator becomes palatable. To help yourself unwind, you watch reruns of Mr. Roger's neighborhood. You begin to sympathize with those who commit violent crimes against humanity. Your band is out of step, and you don't care. You close your eyes at night and see a drill grid sheet. You learn of important news events weeks after they occur. You hid your oboe player's instrument. You have begun X-ing out each day on your desk calendar and have written THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL in bold capital letters. this is funny too! A Student's Guide for Driving the Band Director Crazy Trumpets: Never be satisfied with the tuning note: Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the director and puts it on you, where it belongs. When raising the music stand, be sure hte top comes off and spills the music on the floor. Complain about the temperature of the band room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the director is under pressure. Look the other way just before the cues. Never have have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression that you're about to quit. Let the director know you're there as a personal favor. Pluck the strings as if you're checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussion players have a wide variety of droppable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best, because they roll around for several seconds. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses. (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth.) Long after a passage has gone by, ask the director if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he asks you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) At dramatic moments in the music (while the director is emoting) be busy marking your music so that climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. Wait until well into the rehearsal before letting your director know that you don't have your music. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. Tell the director, "I can't find the beat!" Directors are always sensitive about their "stick technique," so challenge it frequently. Ask the director if he has heard the Bernstein record of this piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?" When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head, indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything. Make him wonder. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same piece, stick to your guns. Do not ask the director until backstage just before the concert. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal fifteen minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the director feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.