Humour

Discussion in 'TM Lounge' started by Tootsall, Jul 7, 2005.

  1. Tootsall

    Tootsall Fortissimo User

    4,529
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    Oct 25, 2003
    Yee HAW!
    In an effort to lighten the mood somewhat today, I offer this treat which I just received from a bandmate:


    A guitarist was killed in a car crash on his way to a gig. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he said to St Peter that he was on his way to a gig at his old friend, Stan "The Man" Flann's place and there were hundreds of people waiting to hear him play. St. Peter, being a caring sort, gave him permission to return for one last gig. Guitars not being available in heaven, he was given a standard issue heavenly harp. This he was told had to be returned to St. Peter on his return.

    Well, you can imagine that he made the most of his borrowed time back on earth, so when he came to return, he was somewhat worse for wear. When he arrived back at the Pearly Gates St. Peter asked him for the harp. But, of course, he'd forgotten it.

    "Sorry St Peter", he said, "I left my harp in Stan Flann's Disco!"
     
  2. Solar Bell

    Solar Bell Moderator Staff Member

    8,223
    1,991
    May 11, 2005
    Metro Detroit
    Ok, the pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he is met by St. Peter who welcomes him. He tell the pope he will show him where he will stay. He takes him to what is definitely the "low rent" area. The house need repair, the grass is long and their is even a French guy or two on the street.The pope is mad. He says "Don't you know who I am? I'm the pope. Millions of people all over the world do what I say."
    St. Peter says "Well, I looked and this is where you're supposed to be."
    The infuriates the pope and he demands to see God. When God shows up the pope continues his tirade. "I'm the pope!!!!! I spend my whole life working for you and this is what I get? Millions of people hang on my every word! Then I get up here and it's the worst part of heaven! I deserve better!!!
    God says to him "What do you have in mind.?
    The pope looks over his shoulder and see a beautiful house with a rolling lawn, two guys doing landscaping, a small stream running through the yard and a fountain. He says "THAT'S what I should have! I'm the POPE!!!!
    God turns around and see what the pope is talking about and say to the pope "Look here, we arte up to our eyeballs in popes up here, but we only have one trumpet player"!!!!


    -cw-
     
  3. ROGERIO

    ROGERIO Mezzo Forte User

    908
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    Sep 30, 2004
    PHOENIX, AZ
    Okay... here we go again...

    The New Samurai

    An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief Samurai warrior.
    Three individuals were chosen to come in and demonstrate their skills with the sword.

    The first was a Japanese warrior. The emperor presented the Samurai with a small box with a fly inside. The fly was released into the room. The Samurai drew his sword and in one quick “swoosh†the fly fell to the floor neatly divided into two halves.

    The emperor smiled with delight.

    The second warrior was Chinese. The emperor presented the Samurai with a small box with a fly inside. He again instructed for the box to be opened and the fly released into the room. But before the fly could gain altitude the Chinese Samurai made two quick “swooshes†with his sword. The fly lay dead on the floor perfectly sliced into quarters.

    The emperor again smiled with delight.

    The third warrior stepped forward and demanded, “Release the fly!!â€
    He drew his sword and “SWOOSHâ€. The speed of his sword created such a gust of wind that all in the room felt it. It was followed by a high-pitched sound coming directly from the fly, which then continued in flight.

    The emperor stood up and asked, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead!â€

    “Dead schmead,†replied the Jewish Samurai.
    “Dead is easy. Circumcision, now that taks skill!!â€
     
  4. trmpt_chica

    trmpt_chica New Friend

    49
    0
    Jun 29, 2005
    CALIFORNIA BABY!
    funny sayings:

    people say the glass is half empty i say are you gonna drink that?

    COME TO THE DARK SIDE!
    we have cookies!

    FEAR the SPORK!

    I dont know what my problem is i just know its hard to pronounce

    two wrongs dont make a right, but three rights do make a left!


    you call it stalking i call it selective walking ;-)

    Never put a cat on ur head it hurts really BAD!

    Its funnier now that i get it....

    im gonna give him a piece of my mind but not my brain i need that!

    ROCK I DEAD! long live paper and scissors!

    Hope these sort of cheeer you all up!
     
  5. Tootsall

    Tootsall Fortissimo User

    4,529
    8
    Oct 25, 2003
    Yee HAW!
    Try this one, Chica....

    The pessimist says "the glass is half empty".

    The optomist says "the glass is half full".

    The engineer says "the glass is too big!"
     
  6. trumpetmike

    trumpetmike Forte User

    Age:
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    Oct 11, 2004
    Farnham (a place too smal
    The trumpeter adds - the glass is in need of filling
     
  7. silverstar

    silverstar Mezzo Forte User

    848
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    Jan 6, 2005
    The klutz complains loudly: The glass is shattered on the floor.

    ;-)
    Lara
     
  8. trumpetmike

    trumpetmike Forte User

    Age:
    43
    1,144
    3
    Oct 11, 2004
    Farnham (a place too smal
    Freud says that the glass is just a substitute for an unhappy childhood.
     
  9. ROGERIO

    ROGERIO Mezzo Forte User

    908
    3
    Sep 30, 2004
    PHOENIX, AZ
    The guy who lives in the Southwest says, "It's just water rationing" :roll:
     
  10. Rgale

    Rgale Mezzo Forte User

    844
    3
    Jun 16, 2005
    Sigmund Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

    Groucho Marx attended a spiritualists' meeting. The medium went into a trance and people were asked if they had questions of the Great Spirit. Groucho raised his hand and asked, "What's the capitol of Iowa?"

    Karl Marx's mother once said, "If Karl, instead of writing about money, had made more of it, it would have been much better."

    President Dwight Eisenhauer once said, "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
     

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