Insulting brother- in - law

Discussion in 'Trumpet Discussion' started by anthony, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. anthony

    anthony Mezzo Piano User

    Mar 3, 2009
    Hi I am a comeback player of seven years with lessons and" I think " I sound pretty good including my teacher...But my brother - in - law seems to delight in insulting my playing. I am trying to keep peace in the family but I am kinda sensitive to this cause I really wanted to play well like a pro. ....what would you do. btw he hears a lot of scales & slur exercises besides playing music so maybe that could be why he is soooo insulting .Anthony
    Culbe likes this.
  2. kehaulani

    kehaulani Fortissimo User

    May 14, 2011
    Hawaian homey
    Do you guys live in the same house/apartment?
  3. bamajazzlady

    bamajazzlady Mezzo Forte User

    May 16, 2011
    What is your age and his? If you are at an age where you can move out and you have a stable occupation that allows you to do so, make that a plan of action and proceed carefully as moving out isn't easy as it takes money and knowing where you want to be geographically.
  4. mgcoleman

    mgcoleman Mezzo Forte User

    Jun 22, 2010
    He could be jealous of your progress and commitment.
    He might be curious about playing trumpet and, not knowing how else to express his interest, has resorted to insults. (yep, just like little kids will do sometimes)
    He could be trying to just joke around with you and be totally botching the delivery.
    He might be a failed musician who now finds solace in tearing down others.
    There's also the possibility that he is just a boorish d-bag who is talking bollocks.

    Unless his musical opinions are something you value and are of expert status in your mind, let it all go.
    Vulgano Brother likes this.
  5. gunshowtickets

    gunshowtickets Forte User

    Mar 11, 2015
    Tidewater, VA
    There are some people who do not know any way of communicating besides insulting family members.
    I'm willing to bet he's perfectly cordial in mixed company, no?

    There ARE nincompoops who think no one should ever play an instrument anywhere another person can hear unless you're playing with recording-quality accuracy and tone. Those people are ignorant.

    Pay him no mind and if he does it again, offer him the trumpet and ask him to play it if he thinks he can do better.
  6. J. Jericho

    J. Jericho Fortissimo User

    Mar 16, 2011
    Excellent advice.

    Now, to answer your question, anthony. What would I do? I'd tell him to go (you fill in the blanks)! We are trumpet players after all, and I would think that this would be the normal reaction.
  7. rowuk

    rowuk Moderator Staff Member

    Jun 18, 2006
    One of the best lessons in my life was being told about the effects of criticism and keeping a PTA list.

    Criticism, if it is well founded, gives us motivation to keep moving and constantly improve. Critics that criticize because of their own inferiority complex are an especially destructive force. They remove our minds from the creative process, make us concentrate on our reaction to the criticism as well as demotivate us. It is generally impossible to change their minds regardless of how successful we are, and that is where the PTA list comes in.

    We are happiest and most productive when our environment is optimized. A good sounding, properly lit room, relaxing colors and people that we enjoy are vital factors for our trumpeting well being. People that really stick out as not suited for such environments, have no place there.

    PTA means People To Avoid. There is no message stronger than ignoring and avoiding idiots. Do not comment, do not speak with them, do not criticize or speak evil of them when they are not there. Completely avoid and ignore them. In a family situation, keep conversation with someone else. If nasty comments come in a family situation, simply do not respond - not with a smile, frown, comment or anything else. Change the subject. We do not want negatives attached to our person. We do not want to shape our playing due to such illiteracy. Two things can happen, they can get the message or they can attempt to turn the heat up. Then we do not accept invitations. We find better things to do with our time.

    I cannot stress this point enough. Bad thoughts are very destructive to the creative process. People To Avoid! Keep a list.
  8. anthony

    anthony Mezzo Piano User

    Mar 3, 2009

    Yes same house
  9. anthony

    anthony Mezzo Piano User

    Mar 3, 2009
    You know something Wouk you are so right about what you said cause I find that when he is home on days that I am practising I don't play very well , he is in another room but I get nervous. Sounds crazy doesn't it.
  10. Peter McNeill

    Peter McNeill Utimate User

    Jan 30, 2009
    Melbourne Australia
    All great advice, and I cannot add anything but a little story.


    We all need to be tolerant of others, and persevere with the Brother-I-Law.
    BTW - Rowuk has great advice, and my brother-in-law is on my PTA list.

    ALSO I would use a practice mute (or a Harmon Mute) out of respect for the family, and get playing with some community band, so you can invite them to hear you play at a concert. I am sure your sister will be excited, he will be gagged. Whenever trumpet comes up, I am sure your sister will be talking about your Concert.

    Good luck

    If you need to learn How to Insult the Brother-In-Law, you will probably get a lot of mentors ;-)

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