Jewish humor

Discussion in 'TM Lounge' started by Liad Bar-EL, Dec 17, 2005.

  1. Liad Bar-EL

    Liad Bar-EL Forte User

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    Oct 25, 2003
    Jerusalem, Israel
    Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
    Lenny Bruce

    I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
    Henny Youngman

    Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
    Mel Brooks

    Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
    Peter Malkin

    My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
    Benjamin Disraeli

    It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it.
    Sam Levenson

    Don't be humble; you are not that great.
    Golda Meir

    I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
    Joe E. Lewis

    A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
    Sam Goldwyn

    I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
    ! Jackie Mason

    I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
    Woody Allen

    Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution
    Groucho Marx

    A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
    Oscar Levant

    Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
    George Burns

    Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
    Mort Sahl

    A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
    Milton Berle

    I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
    Sam Goldwyn

    With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
    George Burns

    When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
    Henry Kissinger
     
  2. Alex Yates

    Alex Yates Forte User

    2,342
    6
    Aug 11, 2005
    Atlanta, GA
    I gotta go with the Kissinger line.....too funny. Thank you for all of the laughs Liad!

    Mel Brooks is my comedic hero. I have the "2000 Year Old Man" on CD. You just reminded me to go find it and listen to it again.

    And to all of my sisters and brothers of the Jewish faith, have a Happy Hannukah this year. I know the Festival of Lights does not start for another week, but I thought this was a good place to post such sentiments.

    Shalom.
     
  3. Tootsall

    Tootsall Fortissimo User

    4,529
    8
    Oct 25, 2003
    Yee HAW!
    hmm.... I started out to list the order of "truthfulness" of each of these speakers. I gave up.... they're all dead on! LOL

    Thanks, Liad. Good to see you "up and about".
     
  4. gzent

    gzent Fortissimo User

    3,724
    758
    Nov 5, 2003
    Rochester, MN
    Liad,

    Nice to see you back!

    Happy Hanukkah! :-)

    Greg
     
  5. A.N.A. Mendez

    A.N.A. Mendez Utimate User

    6,500
    3,306
    Oct 25, 2005
    Sunny Ca.
    My fav. "When your kids are little you get no sleep, when they get older you get no rest" OY
     
  6. Robert Rowe

    Robert Rowe Mezzo Piano User

    513
    7
    Dec 24, 2004
    Liad -- Hello, again.

    We need to have some New York bagels and coffee, sometime.

    Robert Rowe
     
  7. Liad Bar-EL

    Liad Bar-EL Forte User

    1,151
    2
    Oct 25, 2003
    Jerusalem, Israel
    New York bagels in New York? :D

    Liad
     
  8. Solar Bell

    Solar Bell Moderator Staff Member

    8,240
    2,016
    May 11, 2005
    Metro Detroit
    Liad wrote:
    Liad!

    Thanks for the Malkin quote!

    It's from my favorite book:
    "Eichmann In My Hands" by Peter Malkin.

    A fascinating story!

    L'chai-im!

    -cw-
     
  9. Liad Bar-EL

    Liad Bar-EL Forte User

    1,151
    2
    Oct 25, 2003
    Jerusalem, Israel
    Jewish Mothers and Psychiatrists

    "I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist.

    "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.

    The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
    "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
     
  10. gregc

    gregc Mezzo Piano User

    546
    3
    Apr 5, 2004
    New York, U.S. of A.
    You throw 10 jews on a basketball court......
    wadda' ya got?

    an instant real estate convention!

    iforgetwho.
     

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