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Discussion in 'TM Lounge' started by songbook, Dec 27, 2014.
I knew I could depend on you for the research. I did have an idea someone had already told it.....maybe even myself.
Wife: "Oh, I'll be sorting through my wardrobe to know which things I'm giving away for charity."
Husband: "Why not just chuck the whole stuff out for trash?"
Wife: "Oh, I couldn't do that - there are starving people out in Africa that might need them."
Husband: "If they're starving, your things won't fit."
The husband is out of ICU and recovering in hospital.
As to cannibals...
Cannibal father and son are out hunting.
A fat woman in her mid-sixties comes along:
Son: "Dad, we'll catch her and eat her?" -
"No, my son; too old and too much unhealthy fat."
An hour later
A skinny woman in her forties comes along.
Son: "Dad, shall we catch and eat her?" -
"No, my son; still too old, and not enough flesh."
Another hour later:
A mid-twenties girl comes along, icely rounded.
Son: "Dad, surely we'll catch her and eat her." -
"Catch her certainly, but then we'll take her home and eat Mum."
A beatnik and a businessman arrived together one eve at a bus stop.
Businessman: "Do the cross town buses run all night?"
Beatnik intoning: "Doo dah, doo dah".
Thanks for the reminder! A cannibal and his son...
Who was it said repetition is the soul of wit?
Mum, what happens to ...
Why is Novijok such a horrible substance?
Because it is the abbreviation for "No Viola Jokes"
Two guys are out drinking to excess, and one gets vomit on his shirt.
"My wife's going to kill me when she finds out I puked on myself!"
"No problem," replies his friend. "Put a $10.00 bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife someone else threw up on you and gave you the $10.00 to get the shirt cleaned."
The guy finally goes home and explains to his wife about the shirt.
"But that's a twenty," she said.
"I know. He pooped my pants, too."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Three guys hit the Pearly Gates at about the same time. The first one, somewhat smugly, said he had made $95,000.00 a year, had a Mercedes-Benz and had lived in a million dollar home in Malibu.
"Oh. A surgeon", Saint Peter said. "Pass on through."
The second said to Peter, "I made $110,000.00, drove a Ferrari, and had lived in a five-room New York apartment just off Central Park".
"Ah, a New York financier", said Peter. "Pass on."
The third said he had made $35,00.00 a year, lived in a hotel that rented rooms out by the hour and had driven a beat up, old Fiat Punto.
"Oh cool", said Saint Peter, a musician. "What do you play!?"