More Political Humor on a Friday...

Discussion in 'TM Lounge' started by gzent, Nov 18, 2005.

  1. gzent

    gzent Fortissimo User

    3,724
    758
    Nov 5, 2003
    Rochester, MN
    (1) Hillary's Deal With the Devil

    Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...

    "I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

    Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"

    "Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

    "A pandering media?" she asked.

    "They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.

    "And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.

    "Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

    Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

    "So...what's the catch?"

    (2) The Hottest Selling Political Bumper Sticker

    Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.

    This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:

    "RUN HILARY RUN'

    Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

    Republicans put it on the front bumper.

    (3) Hillary Clinton Gets Some Advice

    Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

    The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

    Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"

    Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

    The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

    Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"

    Ho! I really don't want to do that.

    On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

    Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

    (4) Hillary Clinton vs. God

    Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

    "Al, what do you believe in?"

    Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

    God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

    God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

    Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

    God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

    God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

    "I believe you're in my chair."

    (5) Hillary Clinton Commemorative Stamp

    The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.

    The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

    A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:

    *The stamp was manufactured properly.
    *There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
    *People were just spitting on the wrong side

    (6) The Great Wizard of Oz

    The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

    "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

    Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

    "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

    Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

    "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

    Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

    "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

    There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

    "Is Dorothy here?"

    (7) Clinton on the Titanic

    Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

    The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

    Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

    Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

    Nixon goes: "Screw the women."

    Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"

    (8) Bill, Hillary and the Lockbox

    When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 25 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

    However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.

    That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"

    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

    Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years." So they hugged and made their peace.

    Then Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered sheepishly, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

    (9) Bush and Clinton on a Train

    Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

    The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

    The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

    Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

    George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

    (10) Hillary Clinton Visits School Children

    Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

    One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

    "Kenneth."

    "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

    "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

    Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

    A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

    "Larry."

    "And what is your question, Larry?"

    "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?

    (11) Clinton Goes to Hell

    One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

    Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

    So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

    The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

    (12) Lewinsky Limerick Contest

    This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words "Lewinsky" and "Kaczynski" in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners:

    Entry #1:
    There once was a gal named Lewinsky
    Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
    'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
    On this flute made of beef
    That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

    Entry #2:

    Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
    We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
    Since you look such a mess,
    Use the hem of your dress
    And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

    Entry #3:

    Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
    What Kaczynski must surely have known:
    That an intern is better
    Than a bomb in a letter
    Given the choice of how to be blown.

    (13) Clinton and the Genie

    Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

    The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

    Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

    The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

    Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

    The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

    (14) Clinton's Parrot

    One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

    When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said “Too old, too old†-- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

    A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too young.â€

    A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!â€

    (15) Clinton's Pigs
    One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.

    The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''

    The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''

    The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir.'''

    (16) Clinton Throws The First Pitch

    Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"

    (17) Out The Window

    Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
    Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

    Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

    Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

    (18) Clinton's Favorite Things
    To be sung to the tune "My Favorite Things" from the "The Sound of Music":

    Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
    Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
    Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
    Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
    Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    When that Jones bites,
    When Ken Starr stings,When I'm feeling sad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad

    Beating the draft board and getting elected,
    Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
    Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
    Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
    Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
    States of the Union with lots of baloney,
    Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
    These are a few of my favorite things
     
  2. ROGERIO

    ROGERIO Mezzo Forte User

    908
    3
    Sep 30, 2004
    PHOENIX, AZ
    OMG gzent....

    you could have given them to us is spurts... :lol:

    (that's all I can say to this...) :-)
     
  3. gzent

    gzent Fortissimo User

    3,724
    758
    Nov 5, 2003
    Rochester, MN
    Isn't that what Clinto did? :cool:
     
  4. ROGERIO

    ROGERIO Mezzo Forte User

    908
    3
    Sep 30, 2004
    PHOENIX, AZ
    Yes, yes, yes.... I thought of that as I was writing it... I was curious to see if you were going to catch it.... :lol: I'm glad you adDRESSed it.
     
  5. Manny Laureano

    Manny Laureano Utimate User

    5,917
    24
    Sep 29, 2004
    USA
  6. ROGERIO

    ROGERIO Mezzo Forte User

    908
    3
    Sep 30, 2004
    PHOENIX, AZ
    Thank you YODAulerano... bring balance to the site you do...
     
  7. Solar Bell

    Solar Bell Moderator Staff Member

    8,238
    2,012
    May 11, 2005
    Metro Detroit
    Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

    Here is a little test that will help you decide.

    Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?

    The answer can be found by posing the following question:

    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot.? You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

    What do you do?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Democrat's Answer:

    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

    Does the man look poor or oppressed?

    Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    Could we run away?

    What does my wife think?

    What about the kids?

    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

    What does the law say about this situation?

    Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

    Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

    Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

    Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

    If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

    Should I call 9-1-1?

    Why is this street so deserted?

    We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

    This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Republican's Answer:

    BANG!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Southern Republican's Answer:

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG! click

    Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

    -cw-
     
  8. ROGERIO

    ROGERIO Mezzo Forte User

    908
    3
    Sep 30, 2004
    PHOENIX, AZ
    I'm none of those ... but I'd still unload the Glock on the Sheet Head*... I love my wife!

    *They are not to be called Towel Heads anymore... That's not "politically correct" (G-d I hate that phrase). Those are sheets wrapped around their heads, not towels.
     
  9. tpter1

    tpter1 Forte User

    Age:
    54
    2,259
    11
    Jan 12, 2005
    Northern New York
    Dang.... What if you have 4 kids?
     
  10. ROGERIO

    ROGERIO Mezzo Forte User

    908
    3
    Sep 30, 2004
    PHOENIX, AZ
    That rules you out as a Southern Republican... you need at least 8-10 to qualify... :-o That's if you don't include your "kissing cousins".... I'm bad... sorry...
     

Share This Page