ALTO CLARINET: A soprano clarinet for simplicity-impaired people who insist on having all their parts rewritten in E flat. ALTO SAXOPHONE: 1. A musical instrument that either plays very loud or not at all between squeaks. 2. Instrument for people who, like trumpet players, think they are God. BARI SAXOPHONE: An instrument for saxophone players who want to sound like a tuba player, but better. BARITONE: A device for doubling the trombones except using the right notes. Also used for playing during silence. BASS CLARINET: 1. A soprano clarinet impersonating a bassoon; a very keyful instrument. 2. A concert instrument that, when used properly, is still not heard. BASS CLARINETIST: Someone to fear. BASS DRUMS: A reason to make jokes about the Energizer bunny. BASS DRUM PLAYERS: People who tape their music to their drum so they won't have to memorize anything. Does not mean they can actually read the music BASS GUITAR: The instrument that makes the band funky. BASSOON: 1. A usual hybrid between a bass clarinet and oboe, which remains unused in marching. Also known as a big oboe, the cow instrument, the farting bed post, and the thing that makes the tugboat sound. 2. An instrument designed for people who like playing the bass lines, just not loudly. 3. Better than the oboe because it burns longer CLARINET: 1. An untunable device for people who want to be in the band but have weak arms and don't wish to be heard. The clarinet section outnumbers all the other sections. 2. A device which, when used properly, will cause the user's shoulders to point towards the end-zone. 3. A licorice stick that squeaks. CLARINET PLAYER: One of ab out 1000 people who happened to pick up a clarinet on the first day of band and are too timid to ever try anything else. Hobbies include squeaking and complaining about parts. CONTRABASSOON: Like a bassoon, only more so CONTRA BASS CLARINET: A large, metallic, clarinet-like instrument that is designed to play in the range of a tuba yet is often mistaken for the kitchen sink. DIESEL CLARINET: What some think the name of the bass clarinet should be changed to, just because it's so much cooler DRUM: 1. Devices designed to be hit by sticks to make LOUD noise and annoy the rest of the band. Designed to play so loud that none of the other band members can hear their mistakes. 2. Round hollow devices with covering on the top and sometimes the bottom. Loud DRUM CAPTAIN: The leader of the percussion section whose main requirement for the job is to not be able to hold a steady tempo. ENGLISH HORN: Neither English nor a horn, not to be confused with the French horn, which is German. EUPHONIUM: A tuba wannabe. (You, phone, him: He answers it.) FLUTE: An un-tuned device for people who want to be in the band who have weak arms and don't wish to be heard. FLUTIST: Person who plays the flute. Orchestras need only three but bands seem to require about four hundred. Sometimes known as flautists, but no matter what term you use, they'll always insist on the other. FRENCH HORN: The only brass instrument that is played with the left hand. And the people who play it will break out in a disco without warning. HARP: A nude piano. MARCHING BARITONE: A version of a baritone created based on enhancements over the successful design of a Marching French Horn. MARCHING FRENCH HORN: An instrument designed to be unable to tune, kill all freshman who attempt to keep the horn up, and make it impossible to snap MELLOPHONE: A tunable version of a marching French horn (is there such a thing?) used by drum corps and many schools. Based on a trumpet design OBOE: 1. A double-reed instrument used for obtaining a clarinet-like sound in a piccolo range. 2. Sounds like a duck. 3. An excellent way to annoy the neighbors. 4: Good for setting a Bassoon on fire. OBOIST: Insane people who decide they want to grapple with two reeds instead of just one PEP BASSOON: A bassoonist in pep band. Also known as swingin' bassoon. Usually either one or zero in a pep band. Position designed for people who enjoy playing second trombone or euphonium parts and straining their arms dragging a bassoon across the school while trying to juggle a music stand, a binder of music and a bottle of pop. PERCUSSION: The group of instruments hit by mallets or sticks that keep some beat or another. PERCUSSIONIST: Someone who can't blow into an instrument and push keys at the same time. Surprisingly, they have no trouble talking while banging sticks on something. They lurk in the back of the band room and play weird instruments that most people wouldnâ€™t touch. (Exception to the rule is the â€œVIBRASLAPâ€) PIANO: 1. The thing everyone would rather play than his or her instrument. 2. A form of "air-band" playing style. PICCOLO: A high-pitched instrument similar to that of the flute, only you can actually hear that it's out of tune. PICCOLO TRUMPET: 1. An instrument designed to do the same job as a trumpet with some minor enh ancements - since it's an octave higher. 2. You wanna see how many dogs there are in this town? PICCOLO TRUMPETER: A trumpeter that lost his dog and can actually count to 4! SAXOPHONE: A weirdo mutant woodwind that is made of brass, but still considered a woodwind. Basically, a big metal clarinet. Usually only played at bars where people are too drunk to care how badly it sounds. SOLOIST: Someone who thinks he is God. SOUSAPHONE: An instrument that adds bass to the band. Can play any note as long as itâ€™s a low G. When two of them talk to each other, it is called The Mating Call of the North American Sousaphone. TENOR SAXOPHONE: An instrument similar to the baritone saxophone, except it matches the pitch of a trombone or baritone and sounds good TRANSVERSE FLUTE: When you hand your flute to a percussionist and they hold it the wrong way. TROMBONE: 1. A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur. The easiest brass instrument to master. Also works as a double weapon: can be used either to blow spit at people or bonk people with the slide. The loudest and therefore most spirited (or possibly just most annoying) section of the band. 2. A device with the same pitch as a baritone, except that it uses a slide instead of valves, so it's easier to forget the position(s). TROMBONIST: A person whose fingers are too slow to move to different fingerings for whole notes and rests, and therefore play instruments that involve shoving a slide back a nd forth. (Exception to the rule is the trigger trombone. "Cheaters!") TRUMPET: An instrument that is designed to make a band sound better. The idea is that if the trumpets play loud enough, you can't hear the rest of the band, so only the trumpets' mistakes are heard, not everyone else's. TRUMPET PLAYER: Wimps who want to play a brass wind, but don't have enough creativity or lung capacity to play anything but a little knot of metal. TUBA: 1. An instrument that is much larger than its name. 2. A concert sousaphone.