Rules for Dating my Daughter

Discussion in 'TM Lounge' started by Anonymous, Dec 27, 2003.

  1. Anonymous

    Anonymous Forte User

    Oct 21, 2003
    Rule One :

    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two :

    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three :

    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

    Rule Four :

    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five :

    In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six :

    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven :

    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight :

    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine :

    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten :

    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.
  2. trickg

    trickg Utimate User

    Oct 26, 2003
    Dude! So true!

    My daughter, little cutie that she is, is only six and I'm dreading the time in her life when the chief "boy" in her life is not me. I'm also not looking forward to meeting the boys that I'm sure that she will bring home that I'm sure have minds just like mine was at their age.

    I do have one neat little idea though.

    Whenever a new boy comes into the house, I'm going to introduce myself and ask for his name. When he gives it, I'm going to whip out a Sharpie Marker and an unfired 12 Gauge shotgun shell, scribble his name on the side of it, then make a show of putting it on a shelf next to several other spent/fired shells with other boys' names on them. Hopefully the young whippersnapper will get the message.

    Then I'm going to procede to tell him all about my favorite scoped, high-powered rifle, the one that I can hit accurately up to 500 yards with, and proceed to tell him that "you know, at that kind of range, you wouldn't even hear the shot that killed you, nor would you know where it came from."

    Hopefully he'll take right too me! :lol:
  3. Larry Smithee

    Larry Smithee New Friend

    Dec 2, 2003
    Ha!! You guys are funny. Wait until your daughters are 38 years old and still unmarried. You'll be paying somebody, anybody, to take them away.
  4. Tootsall

    Tootsall Fortissimo User

    Oct 25, 2003
    Yee HAW!
    Hell, don't bother waiting that long....try 21, doing some part time modelling, are finishing their music degree, living at home, and playing the poor suckers like the trout that they are!

    How many times I've had to say "Dude, this is the twelfth time you've phoned, she's not in, she's not interested...stop wasting both of our times!".

    (Groan....and still have a 14 year old who has been taking notes....sigh)

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