THE BLUES: a tutorial

Discussion in 'TM Lounge' started by Solar Bell, Jul 25, 2005.

  1. Solar Bell

    Solar Bell Moderator Staff Member

    May 11, 2005
    Metro Detroit
    How to Sing the Blues

    1. Most blues begin with "woke up this morning".

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town..."

    3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds.

    4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

    5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation: a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Not acceptable: BMW’s, hot air balloons.
    Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle, as does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the blues, although they always try. Adults sing the blues.
    Blues adulthood means old enough to get the chair if you kill a man in Memphis.

    7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Queens or Brooklyn. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota: just a depression.
    The best places to have the blues are still Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City.

    8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
    1. violet
    2. beige
    3. mauve

    9. You can't have the blues in an office or mall: the lighting is wrong. Good places for the blues:
    1. The highway (the best: a crossroads)
    2. The jail house
    3. An empty bed
    Bad places:
    4. Minnesota
    5. Gallery openings
    6. Wine tastings
    7. A weekend at the Grand Hotel

    10. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you are an old black man.

    11. Do you have a right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
    1. Your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
    2. You're blind
    3. You shot a man in Memphis
    4. You can't be satisfied
    5. "The man" doesn't like you
    No, if:
    6. You were once blind, but now can see
    7. You're deaf

    12. Neither Julio Iglesias or Barbara Streisand (or their fans) can sing the blues.

    13. If you ask for water and yo baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues liquids:
    o Wine from a bottle in a sack
    o Irish whiskey from a dirty glass
    o Muddy water (usually not for drinking)
    Not blues beverages:
    o Any mixed drink or a drink with a little umbrella in it
    o Any kosher wine

    14. If it occurs in a flea bag hotel or in a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Other blues deaths: being stabbed in the back by a jealous lover, being pushed down an old mine shaft, crying yourself to death. You cannot die a blues death during a tennis match or while getting a liposuction treatment.

    15. Some names for blues women:
    o Sadie
    o Big Mama
    o Bessie
    16. Some blues names for men:
    o Joe (including "Big", "Old" or "Blind" alone or in any combination, but not "little")
    o Willie (Little Willie could work)
    o Lightnin'
    o Almost anything with "howlin' in front of it (Howlin’ Manny Laureano???)
    o Other name possibilities include physical infirmities: blind, crippled, wheezin';

    Fruit names: lemon, lime;

    Names of presidents: Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore.

    Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia or Chauncey will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

  2. gzent

    gzent Fortissimo User

    Nov 5, 2003
    Rochester, MN
    That was really good! :D
  3. Mikey

    Mikey Forte User

    Oct 24, 2003
    And you know what happens when you play a blue's record backwards?

    1. Your wife comes back to you.

    2. Your dog comes back from the dead.

    3. You are cured of your fatal disease.

    4. And your old truck starts again......

  4. Derek Reaban

    Derek Reaban Mezzo Piano User

    Jun 16, 2005
    Tempe, Arizona

    That's a great post! I remember there being another part to it, though. Coming up with your own Blue's Name.

    Start with Blind Lemon Jefferson...

    Choose a physical attribute, a fruit, and a President's last name and put them together to come up with your own Blue’s Name:

    Maybe: Hangnail Kumquat Clinton!

    Here's a link to a similar game: Blues Name-O-Rama

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