Discussion in 'TM Lounge' started by Solar Bell, Jul 7, 2005.

  1. Solar Bell

    Solar Bell Moderator Staff Member

    May 11, 2005
    Metro Detroit
    This is for Manny....
    Our TrumpetMaster and Prince of Puns

    (and no, I cannot take credit for this one, wish I could)

    It was April 4th 44, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving through downtown Atlantis, my Baracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. I pulled into a Shell Station, they said I'd blown a seal. I said "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal".
    While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar, a real dive. But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gill!" (you have to yell, he's hard of herring) Gill was also down on his luck, fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the Sand Bar, he poured the usual: Rusty Grunion, shaken not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise.
    I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids. For the halibut. Well, the place was crowded - we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, "Sand Enchanted Evening". The stage was surrounded by screaming guppies, probably there to see the bass player.
    One of them was this cute little yellowtail. She was giving me the eye, so I thought this was chance to have a little fun. Or a piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank ........ she drank a lot. I said "What's your sign?", she said "Aquarium". I said "Great! Let's get tanked!" I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said "C'mon, it'll only take a few minnows". She threw me that same old line, "Not tonight - I got a haddock".
    She wasn't kidding either, because just then in came in the biggest, meanest haddock I ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said "Listen Shrimp! Don't you come trolling around here!" What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said "Abalone! - you're just being shellfish". Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, because he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, as flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon".
    Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me, she said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish - what's your name?" I said "Marlin". Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders.

  2. Manny Laureano

    Manny Laureano Utimate User

    Sep 29, 2004
    I...I...uh,... hmmm... I... boy, Chuck, I...

    ...give up!

  3. trumpet blower88

    trumpet blower88 Mezzo Piano User

    Jun 15, 2005
    Flagstaff, AZ
    Haha! I feel so dumb. The first time I read it I wasn't paying close enough to realize all the differant fish in it!
    I thought by "fishy" you ment something was strange and wasn't right. So I started looking for something that wasn't right and sure enough I found it!
    At the very beginning it refers to the Stingray. Now, by Stingray, I'm assumeing it means a Covette Stingray. The problem is that the Stingray wansn't even intoduced until the early 60's, and corvettes themselves weren't even being made untill '53. And if you recall, at the very beginning it says the year is 1944... So yup, something is fishy...
  4. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn New Friend

    Jan 20, 2004
    Isle of Arran, Scotland
    Trumpet crimes

    Probably very old and well worn, but it made me laugh. A bit.

    INFRACTION DATE: __________________________

    Playing highest note possible in warm- up £100
    Sound-checking mic with obnoxious jazz licks £15
    Raising hand after mistake £15
    Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig £15
    Blacking out after high note £20
    Obnoxiously show-offy warm-up £25
    Taking tuning note up an octave £25
    Vibrato on unison passage £50
    Failure to use 3rd valve slide £50
    Playing B-flat when band tunes to A £75
    Being told by conductor to play louder £400
    Failure to swing £1000

    Changing mouthpieces mid-song £10
    Faking section into early entrance £20
    Faking self into early entrances £25
    Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s) £25
    Asking conductor if it's ok to take a lick up £25
    Asking conductor if it's ok to take a lick down £400
    Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal £100
    Missing last note of "In the Mood" £200

    Missing entrance when lead drops out £15
    Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick up £20
    Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead £50
    Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses £75
    Hanging over past lead on last chord £100
    Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord £100
    Successfully out-screeching lead at any time £500

    Playing with screw on rim £10
    Polishing horn on stage £15
    Dropping mute £10
    Dropping horn: Repairs + £20
    Dropping dead: Warning
    Forgetting pencil £20
    Forgetting mute(s) £50 each
    Forgetting bowtie or socks £30
    Forgetting mouthpiece £30
    Forgetting magazine £100
    Blaming mistake on sticky valves £25
    Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell £75

    Having nicest gig-bag in section £10
    Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn £10
    Hawking old horn on bandstand £10
    Quoting Herb Alpert or Mangione Song £25
    Farting on bandstand £25
    Defecating on bandstand £75
    Practicing legit style on swing gig £35
    Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days £50
    Beginning a sentence with "When I played for Kenton..." £50
    Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theatre that you also play keyboards £100

    Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece £25
    Continually asking "where are we? £25
    Drunkenness on stage £50
    Stoned on stage £50
    Pretending to be friends with a trombone player £200
    Actually being friends with a trombone player £750
    Dating a trombone player £3000
    Loaning money to bone player £4x amount loaned
    Sitting next to conductor at meals £100

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