Unsupportive Parents

Discussion in 'Trumpet Discussion' started by keehun, Jan 20, 2011.

  1. trickg

    trickg Utimate User

    Oct 26, 2003
    I would not be deterred from playing trumpet as the core of what I was going to do as an adult. Times have changed and my main source of money for paying bills is no longer playing trumpet for uncle Sam, but I still play, and I still love to make music in an ensemble with other people. I imagine I'll continue to play and make music as long as I'm able - I just can't foresee any reason why I wouldn't want to.
  2. Darten

    Darten Mezzo Piano User

    Dec 21, 2009
    New York City
    Yah dark woods are bad, but if parents and offspring sit down and talk about it, and really open up about what and why.... things generally work out well... Unless of course your parents are both drill instructors. :shock:

    Best thing... talk it out. :-)
  3. keehun

    keehun Piano User

    Feb 4, 2010
    Thank you all!

    Yes, as parents those questions they asked me were good questions I should be able to articulate an response to. Having a semi-language barrier, cultural differences, and values, it will be hard but I think it'll work out.

    The trumpet and the lessons, yes, my parents have supported me, but as it is not their first priority, which is ok to me, I've had to take advantage of opportunities that made my musical career as "cheap" to them as possible. I think it has made me more aware of finances and other things, so I feel blessed, in part, by their lack of enthusiasm for music.

    For instance, I had to work all summer long to pay for my C trumpet and I had to work my butt off day and night to get in to Dr. Baldwin's studio so that the State of Minnesota would pay for my tuition at the University.

    I couldn't convince them to allow a lesson with a Chicago Symphony trumpet... but I was able to have a lesson with Manny Laureano... but even then my mom did not want pay for the entire fee. Manny was generous enough to take me regardless of the fee... That lesson has "changed my life" and that is the kind of the thing I wish my mom could understand... What those 90 min lessons with the pros of pros could do to you... I feel this BOA opportunity is the same.

    All in all, it has been a good journey. It was just the way my mom worded/voiced/phrased things that I guess really frustrated me. She keeps in insisting that the applicant pool was small and that this isn't worth going because it's apparently not good enough to justify around $1k in all. Maybe if I was going to Avery or Carnegie Hall or if I was conducting the Chicago Symphony they'd change their minds... :-P

    And... about money... I have programming gigs during the summer and I've been paying for 95% my endeavors through that. Before trumpet came on the scene I used to learn programming day and night and I've been fortunate enough to keep up with technology to do iPhone/Android work... I usually gift my parents a good 30~40% of my earnings after taxes but.. I guess they expect that :-P

    Anyway, I digress. Some of your stories have really helped me gain a broader common sense and perspective on this "issue". :-)

    Thank you, sincerely!
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2011
  4. Phil986

    Phil986 Forte User

    Nov 16, 2009
    Near Portland, OR.
    I think your parents are blessed to have a kid as well put together as you. Of course, it is the combined result of how they raised you and how you responded to it with your own personality, so they do have a hand in it, but still. What I have seen of the current youger generation in the US has been rather shocking to me in many cases. I don't believe that many American kids would fork over that much of their "income" to their parents. Probably most parents wouldn't expect them to do so either.

    The sad thing is that I haven't seen many who were passionate and driven like you are. Wherever life takes you, you already have all the tools to make it a great journey. The ways that you had to find your own support has already trained you well for life. I don't think that you'll need much material support from your parents in the future, and if you have to, you will find ways to make do without it altogether. Of course, having their recognition that what you're doing leads to worthy achievements may be even more important. They might never grasp the artistic value. But some day, certainly not far from now, you'll get a good pro gig. Buy a special gift to your folks with the money and tell them that the gig and nothing else enabled you to pay for that. Perhaps they'll start to understand.
  5. veery715

    veery715 Utimate User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Ithaca NY
    I think it is a good time for you to pour as much effort into forging an adult relationship with your parents as you have in building your trumpet skills. You are obviously a smart person with a passion for music, and have learned good communication skills as well. But you are no longer a child, and even though you may still be one to them, you can now use adult reasoning and logic to craft a better understanding between them and yourself.

    Approach this challenge as you have any other. You worked and save to buy a Monette horn - it must have cost plenty, but you wanted it and you worked for it and bought it. Apply the same energy to your relationship with Mom and Dad. It goes far beyond music or your career, and could make a huge difference over your lifetime and theirs.

    Some of the toughest nuts to crack in life have to do with one's parents. Forging a solid bond of respect and understanding with them will change all three of you.
  6. keehun

    keehun Piano User

    Feb 4, 2010
    Thank you,

    I take that to heart

  7. Bruin

    Bruin Pianissimo User

    Mar 21, 2008
    keehun, first off, congratulations on your accomplishment. I think that's fantastic and very exciting for you.

    Secondly, I didn't read all the follow-up posts, so I hope I don't replicate any of their messages.

    Re: your parents' reaction to your news, maybe they don't fully grasp the level of accomplishment that this honor represents? Or, perhaps as traditional(?) Korean American parents, they are not as impressed by honors in the arts as those in more "practical" areas of study, e.g., math, English, history, science, etc. In either case, I wouldn't be too offended by their reactions, but do try to enlighten them about what this honor means, and esp. what it means to you personally. I know you were looking for a more validating response from your folks, but, hey, if they don't get excited over things like this, what can you do?

    To put your situation in perspective, however, your parents are actually on the more progressive end of K.A. (Korean American) parents. They have accepted your decision to study music so long as it is in concert with earning a degree in computer science = good idea. You may be familiar with some K.A. kids' stories about their parents expecting them to study only at an Ivy League university and, of course, becoming a doctor or a lawyer, right? I've known too many of these families. So, count your blessings that they haven't driven you into the ground about Harvard, Princeton, Yale, law, medicine, etc.

    My family has always encouraged us kids to pursue whatever makes us happy and my entire family was very supportive of me and my music. They sometimes dropped by some of my gigs with their friends to hear my bands and me perform. My atty sis helped me with all of the legal work for BMI, copyrighting, reviewed my work contracts for me, even shared some of my work with recording artists she knew and worked with in L.A. In fact, my family has told me that they think I took a wrong turn when I returned to college and did not continue studying music. :-)

    Again, congrats on your accomplishment and I hope that it is the beginning of a very long, successful, and joyful music career for you.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2011
  8. DaveH

    DaveH Piano User

    Nov 27, 2003
    I don't know you, or your parents, or how old you are, or any specifics about your circumstances in life...so with that in mind, I'll generalize this way:

    Having read your post, I don't see any reason to believe that your parents are not supportive of you. You have not said anything to lead me here on the Internet to believe that.

    The fact that they don't know the identity of Allen Vizzutti is not surprising...most non-trumpet players don't. The fact that they do not have the same knowledge, experiences, or set of priorities in life as you is completely normal.

    The fact that they may not relate to a passionate pursuit of music or trumpet playing in the same way as you do is, IMO, also not terribly unusual.

    So, you should work to get their support by educating them and showing them why this is so important to you, and the benefits of it for you and your future. Your parents may be very supportive, but may need to learn about why and how this will be of benefit for you, and your future.

    Most parents are very interested and supportive of their children, but tend to have an interest in how the activities, interests, and goals of their children are related to practical concerns, such as long term ability to become self supporting and productive citizens.

    The fact that they may not understand or relate to your position on this matter is not evidence that they are not supportive...it merely means that you may have some "selling" to do..

    Good luck...
  9. momma_horn

    momma_horn Pianissimo User

    May 8, 2010
    Hi Keehun,

    WOW! I love your passion! Lemme tell you, you've come to the right place-if these guys can't help you figure out your problem, no one can. I love the advice you have been given so far! Good life lessons! :grouphug:

    I'm a non-trumpet playing parent of a trumpet high schooler who wants to major in music in college, study with the masters (whoever they may be) maybe go to a 'Pack ten' school just because they have a great marching band, play on Broadway, and have a teaching degree in her back pocket "just in case". I'd say she's passionate about her instrument and how it plays into her future. But what convinced me that she was "real" about it was when she laid out a plan for me to see what her hopes and goals are and how she hopes to achieve and meet them.

    From a mother's point of view...your mom wants what's best for you. And it's not a bad thing that she wants you to have a financially stable career. She probably is thinking of future job trends, and if she's thinking of financial stability for you, she's probably thinking of you being a struggling young musician vs. a successful programmer down the line :(

    Again from a mom's point of view, I can understand your parent's thinking. Heck, I wish my daughter would go to Law School! But I can't stifle that passion of hers, nor do I want to...I get the whole passion, dreams, goals=fulfillment picture. I realize its HER life, not mine...just like it's YOUR life, not theirs.

    What I wish is that your mother could just understand how YOU feel about this. You have to show your parents how passionate you are about this path you hope to pursue. Talk to them about your goals and your dreams and find a way to make them understand that the things you have already achieved are a big deal and that this is not just a passing fancy for you. Tell them that maybe you WILL be on the Avery or Carnegie stage someday but if you dont' try...if you dont' give it your all...you never will.

    Is there a teacher/director/ who can talk to your parents to tell them what a wonderful opportunity this BOA thing is? If they have no idea of the scope of that accomplishment, they can't understand how important it is to you.
    If someone were to say to them, "OH WOW! That is so awesome that Keehun made BOA! That's quite an accomplishment!" they might get all puffed up and say, "Yes, indeed! We're so proud!" (is that too much of a stretch to imagine?)

    Hopefully, they will come around to your way of thinking....but if not, I hope you can respectfully agree to disagree and find a way to follow your dreams all the way to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

    Well, that's my two cents worth.....oops, based on the length of this reply I'd say I probably should add a couple more pennies to that!:oops:

    Congrats on all that you have accomplished and all that you undoubtedly WILL accomplish in the future!

    tedh1951 likes this.
  10. tedh1951

    tedh1951 Utimate User

    Oct 18, 2007
    The Wide Brown Land
    Keehun - consider what's already been said - consider who holds the REAL power in your parents' house - maybe you only have to win one of them over ... just a thought based on what Momma Horn has suggested - or have I read the wrong stuff between the lines? :dontknow:

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