Solar Bell

Great sense of humor Ruth....

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

-cw-

__________________
Chuck Willard
The Willard of Oz

"Don't be afraid to see what you see."
Ronald Reagan

tpter1

Here's one for Ruth from my wife's grandmother (with some additions just for TM):

An elderly woman and her husband were driving down the interstate, when she was stopped by a MN state trooper. He had heard it all, and was not one to put up with any nonsense. He approached the vehicle, and asked for her license and registration, which she produced.

"M'am, do you know why you're being stopped today?"
"No, sir, I really don't".
"You were speeding."
"Speeding? I was only going 92... the sign says 90!"
"M'am, that's not the speed limit sign. That's the interstate route number!"
"Oh..."

Trooper K. then noticed the elderly genteleman in the passenger seat was shaking badly and looked rather uncomfortable. He deduced then that there must be more here and that further questioning would be necessary.

"M'am..."
"Yes?"
"Why is your husband shaking so badly? Is he ok?"
"Oh, yes. He's fine. We just got off of route 116."

__________________
-Glenn
"Roses have thorns; shining waters mud. Clouds and eclipses stain the moon and the sun; and history reeks of the wrongs we have done. After today, after today, consider me gone."- Sting

Manny Laureano

Thanks for the "Why Diction Matters" link, Ruth, that was great.

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Solar Bell

St. Peter, eh?

Three couple are standing before Peter waiting to be admitted.

Peter asks the first

"Why should I let you in?"

The fellow says, "We have been good catholics all of our marriage. We always give to the church and follow everything the priest says."

Peter answers, "That is true, BUT you have a love of money, a very deep love of money, you even married a girl named Penny. I cannot let you in."

The second couple approach and Peter says "Why should YOU be admitted?"

The husband says, "We are the best catholics you've ever seen. We do more than the priest asks of us. We volunteer for everything and and I give half of my earning to the church!"

Peter replies "That is all true. You DO do these things and you are very helpful. HOWEVER, you have a love of Booze! Your love is so deep that you even married a girl named Sherry. I cannot let you in."

The third fellow looks at his wife and says

"Come on Fanny, he will NEVER let US in!"

-cw-

__________________
Chuck Willard
The Willard of Oz

"Don't be afraid to see what you see."
Ronald Reagan

RG111

A man goes to the Pearly Gates. Behind St. Peter is a wall of clocks. When asked why, St. Peter says that everyone has a clock, and when they lie, the clock moves forward a minute, Mother Theresa's had never moved. Lincolns had only moved twice. When asked about ( insert your politician here) Peter says " It's in the main office, and we use it for a ceiling fan"
Roy

tromj

So this guy dies, who is something of a gourmand, and when he gets to the afterlife is informed that he will be going to heaven. He asks St. Peter if he can see Hell, and St. Peter says, certainly. He goes down a hallway and stops with St. Peter in front of a window, through which he can see a great feast going on. The room is packed, and the people inside are enjoying all kinds of terrific food, all in great quantities. Puzzled, he turns to St. Peter and says, this is Hell? Look at the feast they are enjoying. St. Peter responds, yes, it is Hell. Well, the guy figures to himself, if that's what they're eating in Hell, imagine what the feast will be in Heaven. His excitement rises as they go back down the hallway, and eventually make their way up to Heaven, where he is ushered into the presence of God Himself. God looks up and says, Welcome, my son, you have led a virtuous life, and now you can enjoy eternity in my presence. You got here just in time, I was about to serve lunch. The guy can't take it, he is delirious with anticipation. God goes out,and comes back in a moment later with two plates and cups. The guy looks down at the plate and sees he has been served a tuna fish sandwich and a cup of chocolate milk by the Lord Himself. Confused, he asks God, "where is the feast? When I saw hell, they wer enjoying a great banquet. Surely here in Heaven we would be eating te most exquisite food."
God responds,"Why should i do all that cooking for just the two of us?"

__________________
Bach 37
Yamaha 8310Z
Yamaha 631 Flugel
Getzen 850 Cornet
Yamaha Picc
Yamaha Xeno C 8445
Monette B1-5M, B1-5F, B1-5D cornet, Stork 3P, Monette C1-5M

trpt2345

So Jesus is walking down a street and sees a woman about to be stoned by a crowd for being an adultress. He immediately jumps in front of her and says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" A rock comes whizzing through the air and bonks him on the head. "Mom?", he says.

Michael McLaughlin

__________________
Chicago MM

Solar Bell

Leigh????

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a haze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

"This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

-cw-

__________________
Chuck Willard
The Willard of Oz

"Don't be afraid to see what you see."
Ronald Reagan

Manny Laureano

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Manny Laureano

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.