rowuk

Mexican Earthquake...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

__________________
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

rowuk

11. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

10. Life is sexually transmitted.

9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

7. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you only thirty cents?

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the oldest.

1. We read about all terrorists these days. Many of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster - if you are two days late returning a video, those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration

__________________
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

rowuk

Couples
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said - "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."
_______________________

He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror"
______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!


While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare that it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men:
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.

__________________
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Solar Bell

There was an Frenchman, an American and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the American were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Frenchman was thinking: 'The American fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the American and got slapped for it.'

And the American was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that French clown again .

-cw-

__________________
Chuck Willard
The Willard of Oz

"Don't be afraid to see what you see."
Ronald Reagan

Pedal C

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night, but light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

__________________
"The oboe's A is to make sure we still play it 1 and 2" - Bud Herseth

"One way or another, every patient stops bleeding." - Scrubs

Grav

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Bartender-- give me a beer and a mop!"

__________________
Andy Gravish -- Eclipse Artist

Eclipse XLR Scratch Gold
Eclipse Red Flug Scratch Gold
some Bachs
some Committees
some Constellations
a Callicchio and a Silver Flair somewhere

www.andygravish.com

"I started writing a book about my life but had to put it down when I realized that nobody would believe it." --- Chet Baker

RG111

These two trumpet players walk past a bar.... it could happen!
Roy

Tootsall

A man came home from work unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with the mailman.

"What's going on here?" he roared.

"See, I told you he was stupid" she said to the mailman.

Vulgano Brother

During a lecture, an Angel appears before a theology professor and says: "You've been so good and pure, I'll give you your choice of infinite looks, infinite money, or infinite wisdom."

Remembering the story of Solomon, the professor says;"Wisdom, please."

The Angel says "Amen," and leaves.

The professor, now posessing infinite wisdom, stands deep in thought for a moment.

"Tell us something!" shouts one of the students.

The professor replies: "I should have taken the money."

__________________
www.letsbuildhope.org

tromj

There's this couple who haven't spoken in five years, they hate each other so much.
At the urging of their children they make an appointment with a well known marriage counselor. After finding their seats in the office, the counselor asks then what their problem is, so the wife says,"my husband is a jerk...I hate him, and I refuse to speak to him."
The husband responds,"my wife is an idiot, there's no talking sense to her, and I refuse to speak to her."
The counselor ponders this information for a minute, gets up, walks over to the closet, and pulls out an upright bass. He starts playing a beautiful solo, bent over the instrument in intense concentration, calling on all his skill and musical ability in a performance that would rival Ray Brown or Ron Carter.
After five minutes, the couple starts talking to each other. They engage in a twenty minute conversation, animated, warm, even loving.
On the way out, the husband says to the therapist, " I don't know how you did it, but my wife and I haven't talked this much in years. What happened?"
The therapist replied, "No one can keep from talking during the bass solo."

__________________
Bach 37
Yamaha 8310Z
Yamaha 631 Flugel
Getzen 850 Cornet
Yamaha Picc
Yamaha Xeno C 8445
Monette B1-5M, B1-5F, B1-5D cornet, Stork 3P, Monette C1-5M