| Jewish humor
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
Lenny Bruce
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
Mel Brooks
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it.
Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great.
Golda Meir
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
! Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution
Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger |