Liad Bar-EL

A lot of bs you say? I will not add to your thoughts of bs any more than I have to; so, please excuse my random writing without format for I am now thinking out loud so as to save my time for none bs activities.

For the very reason why I have not wanted to continue this thread is the very reason that you challenge me with your post.

Happiness to some is not happiness to others and I think I made this very clear as you seem to support; therefore, I do not understand your comment: " I don't see how you can say it isn't the situation that causes my emotional reaction." If you can not find a way to improve your attitude toward a job that you hate, then you are pretty well confined to your own way of thinking and there isn't anything that anybody else could say to change your mind. It is my opinion, however, that attitude has a great part in how one handles life as well as death.

You did not give me the particulars of your son's death in how he was killed; however, when your son was killed, you claim that your attitude had nothing to do with how you felt and this is understandable. You probably didn't realize how much of a negative attitude you had inside yourself until he was killed. This negative attitude is especially prevalent if one does not believe in trusting the Almighty in all aspects of a person's life including life itself, death, food, clothing, a place to live, health, illnesses, etc. Even if a person's pet dog is ill or close to death can bring on tremendous sadness and negativity; however, putting a trust in the Creator is like a life-line from this sadness. It appears that the death of your son was sudden and unexpected which is a truly a shock of sadness that could make one bitter if one faces it with a negative attitude. How do you think it feels when no body has trust and hope in an after-life and to then see one's own mother suffer from Alzheimer's? This is not a sudden death but a very "long goodbye." For me, who faces death (the sudden and the slow kinds) every day, I and my next door neighbors can very well understand and empathize with you whole heartedly about the loss your son but we do not agree with your attitude nor with the disbelief in it's relevance and importance in dealing with death or in a job or in anything one faces in life.

When a family member dies, the pain of grief cannot be dismissed for sure. Accept this pain rather than fight it and it will be easier to tolerate. Feeling grief is an expression of your love for the deceased. You can face it with a positive attitude and feel positive about having those feelings of grief. To hope, to trust and to believe that a person's death is not the end of his existence but that his soul goes to a better world will help develop a positive attitude inside you and will give off to others these positive feelings about your family member's death.

To have others mourn with you for your loss and for you to mourn with others of their loss is positive (attitudinally) for it is empathizing with the suffering of others and in fulfillment of the commandment to "love your neighbor" (fellowman). I have gone to many houses of mourning and have not known what to say; however, just being there gives comfort to the grieving person(s). Many cry over their personal loss without the focus being on the person who died. Positive thinking and positive actions will counter this however.

Grief is often accompanied by guilt feelings. Many people look back at how they behaved toward the deceased and remember their mistakes in relating properly to him when he was alive. Since we can no longer make amends, these feelings can become very painful and at times they can become obsessive. One has to force himself to live in the present. Ask yourself, "What can I do in the present to honor the memory of the deceased?" I have seen neighbors set up a trust fund in their child's name to help others in the similar situations. Turn this grief into positive action so that others will not grieve will make you more of a whole person in our world of humanity and will help relieve possible guilt feelings one might have over the person's death. One can give a donation in deceased person's name to worthy causes. You can honor your son's death by daily doing an act of kindness without publicity and fanfare. Positively thinking of ways to honor your son's death or of anyone's death will change your negative attitude. It will take your mind off counterproductive thoughts of self-blame, guilt, bitterness, etc.

Have you ever thought about how you might feel just before your own death? It will probably be much like how you felt about your son's death. You might be thinking about how you have not fulfilled all of your wishes and plans. In the moments before your death you might have complaints against the Almighty much like you may have had during your son's death or you might fatalistically accept your death by saying, "What can be done? My body is giving in to the laws of nature. The doctors have given up hope." Both of these attitudes are wrong, IMO, for it is at this time that you face the greatest challenge of your life. You have the potential to humble yourself to the will of the Almighty with love. If one has not mastered control of his thoughts, he is likely to waste his last moments thinking of petty resentments and desires. Frequently confusion, ignorance and fear of death will swallow up every other thought unless one has prepared for that occasion.

I would not advise you to do the following; however, to help illustrate a point, the Talmud (Brochos 31) relates that at the wedding of Mar, the son of Ravina, the Sages asked Rav Hamnuna to sing a song. He replied, "Woe to us that we die! Woe to us that we die!" Since we have an obligation to help the bride and groom rejoice at their wedding, how was it proper for Rav Humnuna to say something that would cause sadness? Rabbi Moshe Rosenstein explained thus: They wanted him to sing in order to add joy to the occasion. He mentioned death to explain that if you really want to rejoice, you should not forget the day of death. When you are able to recall death and nevertheless rejoice, that is true joy. But if you need to forget death in order to rejoice it is not a "happiness of a good deed" (simcha shel mitzvah). Your joy is not one that stems from elevation. While remembering death, you can still feel joy either because you have already served the Almighty, or because you are now resolved to serve Him in the future.

When Rabbi Simcha Bunim of Parshischo was on his deathbed, his wife felt the impending loss and wept profusely. Rav Simcha Bunim consoled her by saying, "Why are you crying? My entire life has been a preparation for this moment."

If you personally accept your death, you will be able to give your family an attitude that will make it easier for them to cope with their grief.

The Kotzker Rabbi used to say: "Death is merely moving from one home to another. The wise man will spend his main efforts in trying to make his future home the more beautiful one."

My mother use to say to when I was kid, "You made your bed; now, you will have to lie in it." If you have wasted your years of life and not developed yourself and the lives of your children to be the best in character that one is able to accomplish then fear, resentment, hopelessness and all the negative attitudinal attributes will set in. This can be changed because you still have opportunities to "make your bed" for yourself and in memory of your late son.

May your son be remembered for good.

Liad Bar-EL