TrumpetMaster - View Single Post

Solar Bell · 10-07-2006, 07:41 AM

I'm not sure these are from the source quoted, but they are funny...

LINES FROM THE RETIRED CONDUCTOR OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE SYMPHONY

Under no circumstances should anyone look at me here.

For that, they have milking machines.

If you won't watch, I won't listen.

Play in a kind of Friday-matinee style.

Look artistic when you play that.

Try and simulate non-sight-reading.

Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato.

(On La Valse) If Parsifal could waltz, this would be it.

Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.

It says accelerando. It's not like falling down stairs.

If that happens, don't laugh.

There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them.

Play as if you were musicians.

Look busy at the beginning.

It sounds like an Italian Strawberry Festival.

Try not to sound like Segovia.

Play faster. It's getting late.

If you can't play the notes, play the accents.

It must be very soft. Play as if you're lost.

Violas, let your true piggish sides come out.

The piece is all based on harmony, so we have to hit the right notes.

Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up.

Triangle, not so much in the loud section. Don't join in on the fun.

(In Beethoven's 6th) My God, it's a brook, not the ocean. I'm getting seasick.

Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now.

(In Pathetique first movement.) It sounds like everybody has already committed suicide.

Strings, vibrate! you sound like storm troopers.

Win the war with the violas.

Trumpets, you're honorary violas.

Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear'

I'll try not to make the really distracting twitch before your B double-flat.

Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way.

It's not going to be a nice tempo, whatever it is.

It's no use telling the violas, they won't do it anyway.

That was a drive-by viola solo.

Don't be so sensitive.

The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26.

Imagine you have tone.

I'm not doing much at the beginning of the measure, but I'm going to beat it and get very excited.

You sound like Palestinians throwing rocks.

Pretend you took the parts home and practiced them.

(To saxophonist in Lt. Kije Suite) Sound like New Year's Eve.

Play like you've had expensive lessons.

(To basses) I will fire the next one I see using vibrato on a pizz.

-cw-

10-07-2006, 07:41 AM	#1 (permalink)
Solar Bell Moderator Fortissimo User Join Date: May 2005 Location: Metro Detroit Posts: 3,918	Conducter Lines... I'm not sure these are from the source quoted, but they are funny... LINES FROM THE RETIRED CONDUCTOR OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE SYMPHONY Under no circumstances should anyone look at me here. For that, they have milking machines. If you won't watch, I won't listen. Play in a kind of Friday-matinee style. Look artistic when you play that. Try and simulate non-sight-reading. Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato. (On La Valse) If Parsifal could waltz, this would be it. Play short, especially if you don't know where you are. It says accelerando. It's not like falling down stairs. If that happens, don't laugh. There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them. Play as if you were musicians. Look busy at the beginning. It sounds like an Italian Strawberry Festival. Try not to sound like Segovia. Play faster. It's getting late. If you can't play the notes, play the accents. It must be very soft. Play as if you're lost. Violas, let your true piggish sides come out. The piece is all based on harmony, so we have to hit the right notes. Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up. Triangle, not so much in the loud section. Don't join in on the fun. (In Beethoven's 6th) My God, it's a brook, not the ocean. I'm getting seasick. Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now. (In Pathetique first movement.) It sounds like everybody has already committed suicide. Strings, vibrate! you sound like storm troopers. Win the war with the violas. Trumpets, you're honorary violas. Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear' I'll try not to make the really distracting twitch before your B double-flat. Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way. It's not going to be a nice tempo, whatever it is. It's no use telling the violas, they won't do it anyway. That was a drive-by viola solo. Don't be so sensitive. The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26. Imagine you have tone. I'm not doing much at the beginning of the measure, but I'm going to beat it and get very excited. You sound like Palestinians throwing rocks. Pretend you took the parts home and practiced them. (To saxophonist in Lt. Kije Suite) Sound like New Year's Eve. Play like you've had expensive lessons. (To basses) I will fire the next one I see using vibrato on a pizz. -cw- __________________ Chuck Willard *The Willard of Oz* "Don't be afraid to see what you see." Ronald Reagan Last edited by Solar Bell; 10-07-2006 at 07:46 AM.