1. Always show up late for rehearsal. It lets the conductor know how much he needs you.
2. Don't practice too much ahead of time. You don't want to "peak" too soon.
3. If you take a pencil to rehearsal, take enough for everybody...and make sure the eraser is worn down. It helps give the music an antique look.
4. Always ad lib and take things up an octave. It shows initiative, and the composer would probably be grateful.
5. Always laugh out loud when someone misses a note. Humiliation builds character.
6. Always chew gum during rehearsal. It shows everyone that you can do two things at one time.
7. Never count during long rests. Rely on your neighbour to tell you when to play.
8. Always play the 4th Horn cues, because he always plays yours. (because they have F**K all else to do..)
9. Always be the last one to cut off. Someone has to.
10. Always slouch in your chair. It shows you are relaxed.
11. Never play absolutely in tune. It sounds funny.
12. Always raise your hand during rehearsal and ask a stupid question. It helps kill time, and gives everyone a chance to stare at you.
13. Always make strange noises through your instrument. It draws attention to yourself.
14. Always beat your foot in time with a piece other than what you are playing.
15. Never let anyone play louder than you.
16. Always glance at the conductor. He likes to think he's in charge.