Manny Laureano

Something happened the other day at work that reminded me of other times it's happened in different ways.

Recently I had opportunity to work with an ensemble as a conductor. It was fun, I enjoyed them, they enjoyed me... okay, fine. During an unrelated Q&A session at Orchestra Hall someone complimented my work with that group and in so doing, subtly made a remark that diminished the past efforts of the current director of that ensemble.

I don't think the person was wishing to do anything more than to let me know how much he enjoyed my work with the group. Well, it just so happens that there was a contingent of folks from that ensemble at the Q&A. I would have been mortified had the director of the ensemble been there to hear that comment irrespective of how it was meant.

I have had the experience where someone will pay me a compliment about something I've done and then lower his voice and make a disparaging remark about someone else in a comparative manner.

Do people not get how bad that is and on how many levels? If you want to say something nice, stick to the compliment and spare me the comparative knock on someone else! It, in my heart, totally takes away the value of the compliment. It's just unnecessary. It's a bit like getting a "but monkey" at the end of an apology. "I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have said that... but you shouldn't have been there, either!" It sucks the power of the apology right out of the statement.

Well, so does the old " Hey, great job. It's so much better than so-and-so." I guess I bring this up because I once saw someone get very hurt by this sort of thing. I received a nice word and then came the zinger. Well, the zinger was heard by the person being referred to because he was in earshot, waiting to speak to me. The person who made the comment was oblivious and I was then left with greeting a person who had been denigrated while I was praised in the same breath. Ugh!

Okay, rant over. It was just something to help provoke a thought or two about what Wilmer says about "engaging the brain before playing a note" or words to that effect. The same could be said about the words we speak. Let's have a care when we talk to others.

ML

gzent

Thanks for a very constructive and observant commentary that makes a person think...its so much better than what Chuck would have said.

Seriously, it is something important to remember and thanks for sharing it.

GZ

Richard Oliver

Something Emerson said comes to mind: we should treat people as if they are real, perhaps they are.

All the communication in this age has an "unreality" about it compared to how things were before electricity when communication across distance became immediate.

My forethought isn't immediate or thorough before communicating. Takes effort, care, and consideration. Three things upon which I want to improve.

Good post Manny.

Vulgano Brother

Interesting observation, Manny.

I dunno, my head's still a bit in that Phaedrus mindset of the past few days, but it seems to me that these kinds of compliments can be a way for the complimentor to establish an "us and them" relationship with the complimentee. The difficulty comes with who we consider one of us--how inclusive or exclusive are we. (Vulgani are very exclusive, by the way. [tee-hee])

The best counter might be to say something complimenting the excluded one, placing them inside the "us" zone. I dunno. Gonna get ready to talk to some bums now, and invite them to join us here at the Mission.

Thanks for your post.

miles71

This happens often in with Music Education. Many directors I know are reluctant to bing ina guest artist since they are afraid they may do something better. Isnt that the point!!!!!!!!!!!! to have someone new do something different and maybe you could learn something too.

Everyone is different and everyone in the group will have a different opinion about different things. I case you didnt notice, thats a lot of "different". I once had an old seasoned Band Director tell me, in a raspy voice, "If you didnt make someone mad today you didnt make any progress." While I dont totally agree with this statement I do understand the idea. Progress is difficult and will ruffle some feathers. maybe if we all understood the difference between Different and Better it would help.

Sorry for the additional rant, but I hate to see new young teachers get discouraged because they "arent Mr. X"

tpter1

I've been in the same position. It feels horrible. Because, on at least one occasion, I have alot of repsect for the musician that was used as the detractor statement. Parents can be the worst about this. Maybe they just innocently don't even think about it. But, is the problem isn't it? I like Jerry's suggestion... compliment the detractor person.

Siegtrmpt

I received a nice compliment recently. Lately I've added some new ideas to my approach to improvisation and one of they guys noticed and told me "that's a lot better than the same old boring $hit you've been playing the past 20 years." :)

Tom Mac

Back handed compliments are a real drag! And it doesn't make any difference whether the slap is at you or someone else. It is just plain bad manners. The one I really "enjoyed" [note: sarcasm] was, "You sounded great, you must have been practicing lately." Uh...er, thank you, I think.

trpt2345

I was on a gig once, and afterwards someone came up to me and said, "I don't usually like bands but you guys were OK."

Michael McLaughlin

p.s. I work sometimes with a guitarist who after a good gig will say, "That was remarkably similar to music."