Conducter Lines...

Solar Bell · 10-07-2006, 07:41 AM

I'm not sure these are from the source quoted, but they are funny...

LINES FROM THE RETIRED CONDUCTOR OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE SYMPHONY

Under no circumstances should anyone look at me here.

For that, they have milking machines.

If you won't watch, I won't listen.

Play in a kind of Friday-matinee style.

Look artistic when you play that.

Try and simulate non-sight-reading.

Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato.

(On La Valse) If Parsifal could waltz, this would be it.

Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.

It says accelerando. It's not like falling down stairs.

If that happens, don't laugh.

There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them.

Play as if you were musicians.

Look busy at the beginning.

It sounds like an Italian Strawberry Festival.

Try not to sound like Segovia.

Play faster. It's getting late.

If you can't play the notes, play the accents.

It must be very soft. Play as if you're lost.

Violas, let your true piggish sides come out.

The piece is all based on harmony, so we have to hit the right notes.

Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up.

Triangle, not so much in the loud section. Don't join in on the fun.

(In Beethoven's 6th) My God, it's a brook, not the ocean. I'm getting seasick.

Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now.

(In Pathetique first movement.) It sounds like everybody has already committed suicide.

Strings, vibrate! you sound like storm troopers.

Win the war with the violas.

Trumpets, you're honorary violas.

Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear'

I'll try not to make the really distracting twitch before your B double-flat.

Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way.

It's not going to be a nice tempo, whatever it is.

It's no use telling the violas, they won't do it anyway.

That was a drive-by viola solo.

Don't be so sensitive.

The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26.

Imagine you have tone.

I'm not doing much at the beginning of the measure, but I'm going to beat it and get very excited.

You sound like Palestinians throwing rocks.

Pretend you took the parts home and practiced them.

(To saxophonist in Lt. Kije Suite) Sound like New Year's Eve.

Play like you've had expensive lessons.

(To basses) I will fire the next one I see using vibrato on a pizz.

-cw-

Jimi Michiel · 10-07-2006, 07:54 AM

This guy sounds like a lot of fun... Here's one I can vouch for from Larry Rachleff right after hacking through La Mer:

"Imagine they dropped the bomb and that was the last thing you all ever did... how would that make you feel?"

tpter1 · 10-07-2006, 08:42 AM

That was funny, Chuck!

Tootsall · 10-07-2006, 09:10 AM

A guest director to a band that overrates itself... "I'd like to thank some of you".

Alex Yates · 10-07-2006, 12:41 PM

All of these are cracking me up! LOLOLOLOL! Thanks for the chuckles today.

40cal · 10-07-2006, 01:23 PM

10-07-2006, 07:41 AM	#1 (permalink)
Solar Bell Moderator Fortissimo User Join Date: May 2005 Location: Metro Detroit Brand: Eclipse Posts: 3,748	Conducter Lines... I'm not sure these are from the source quoted, but they are funny... LINES FROM THE RETIRED CONDUCTOR OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE SYMPHONY Under no circumstances should anyone look at me here. For that, they have milking machines. If you won't watch, I won't listen. Play in a kind of Friday-matinee style. Look artistic when you play that. Try and simulate non-sight-reading. Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato. (On La Valse) If Parsifal could waltz, this would be it. Play short, especially if you don't know where you are. It says accelerando. It's not like falling down stairs. If that happens, don't laugh. There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them. Play as if you were musicians. Look busy at the beginning. It sounds like an Italian Strawberry Festival. Try not to sound like Segovia. Play faster. It's getting late. If you can't play the notes, play the accents. It must be very soft. Play as if you're lost. Violas, let your true piggish sides come out. The piece is all based on harmony, so we have to hit the right notes. Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up. Triangle, not so much in the loud section. Don't join in on the fun. (In Beethoven's 6th) My God, it's a brook, not the ocean. I'm getting seasick. Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now. (In Pathetique first movement.) It sounds like everybody has already committed suicide. Strings, vibrate! you sound like storm troopers. Win the war with the violas. Trumpets, you're honorary violas. Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear' I'll try not to make the really distracting twitch before your B double-flat. Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way. It's not going to be a nice tempo, whatever it is. It's no use telling the violas, they won't do it anyway. That was a drive-by viola solo. Don't be so sensitive. The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26. Imagine you have tone. I'm not doing much at the beginning of the measure, but I'm going to beat it and get very excited. You sound like Palestinians throwing rocks. Pretend you took the parts home and practiced them. (To saxophonist in Lt. Kije Suite) Sound like New Year's Eve. Play like you've had expensive lessons. (To basses) I will fire the next one I see using vibrato on a pizz. -cw- Last edited by Solar Bell : 10-07-2006 at 07:46 AM.
	__________________ Chuck Willard *The Willard of Oz* "Don't be afraid to see what you see." Ronald Reagan

10-07-2006, 07:54 AM	#2 (permalink)
Jimi Michiel Forte User Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Syracuse/Fort Worth Brand: Monette Posts: 1,671	This guy sounds like a lot of fun... Here's one I can vouch for from Larry Rachleff right after hacking through La Mer: "Imagine they dropped the bomb and that was the last thing you all ever did... how would that make you feel?"
	__________________

10-07-2006, 08:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
tpter1 Forte User Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Northern New York Brand: Lawler Posts: 2,309	That was funny, Chuck!
	__________________ -Glenn "Roses have thorns; shining waters mud. Clouds and eclipses stain the moon and the sun; and history reeks of the wrongs we have done. After today, after today, consider me gone."- Sting

10-07-2006, 01:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
40cal Forte User Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Minnesota Brand: Springer/Sig/Glock/HK Posts: 1,273
	__________________ “If there must be trouble, let it be in my day so that my child may have peace.” Thomas Paine 1737-1809 “That’s all the bullets we had, or we would have shot him more,” Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd

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10-07-2006, 09:10 AM	#4 (permalink)
Tootsall Fortissimo User Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Yee HAW! Posts: 4,641	A guest director to a band that overrates itself... "I'd like to thank some of you".

10-07-2006, 12:41 PM	#5 (permalink)
Alex Yates Forte User Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Atlanta, GA Brand: ECLIPSE Posts: 2,405	All of these are cracking me up! LOLOLOLOL! Thanks for the chuckles today.

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