Liad Bar-EL

In my reading Gateway to Happiness by Zelig Pliskin, I would like to post about the subject of "happiness" and I will give a brief outline of what I would like to talk about.

1. Happiness is a skill that can be learned. To acquire this skill it is necessary to master the following:

A) The ability to focus on happiness-producing thoughts instead of those which cause unhappiness.
B) The ability to evaluate events and situations as positive instead of negative, or at least to lower the degree of negativity (rather than considering minor discomforts as tragedies, evaluate them as minor).

2. Facts themselves are neutral. You do not have emotional reactions to facts. Your emotional reaction is always based on your subjective evaluation of any situation.

A) When you evaluate something as negative, awful, tragic, or a misfortune, you will feel sad, depressed, miserable, angry, or full of anxiety.
B) When you think that something does not affect you in any way and are apathetic to it, you will feel neutral.
C) When you evaluate something as good for you, you will react with happiness or joy.

3. Whenever you react to an event or occurrence with a negative emotion (such as sadness, anger, or anxiety) divide the situation into three parts or stages:

A) The situation itself (without any evaluation).
B) Your attitude about the situation.
C) Your emotional reaction.

The situation itself (A above) does not cause your emotional reaction (C above). It is always your attitude about the situation (B above) that causes your emotional reaction. Change your attitude (B above) from negative to positive (which I will discuss latter in this thread) and your emotional reaction (C above) will change from negative to positive. Keep in mind that the positive attitude has to be realistic and acceptable to you personally. Whenever you can take action to improve a situation, take that action. Whenever you cannot change matters, adopt a positive attitude.

Liad Bar-EL

Liad Bar-EL

Before I get into explaining the previous post outline, following is something which you all could use right now as an exercise for increasing happiness and confidence.

Should you have trouble recalling positive experiences, you can gain from this exercise by picturing hypothetical experiences and this can serve as a resource for the future. Spend sufficient time on each part of the exercise to have a positive emotional feeling even if a slight one. With repetition it will become easier to evoke positive emotional responses. Modify these exercises to fit your individual needs.

1) Recall an instance when you felt calm and relaxed (such as on a trip or vacation). Try to relive that experience by remembering as many details as possible.

2) Remember at least three of the most positive experiences you have had during your life. Recall as many details as possible. Actually relive the emotional feelings that you had at that time.

3) Remember at least one instance when you were successful in doing something. Picture yourself in the situation and feel some of the original pleasure.

4) Recall an act of kindness you did for someone. Feel pleasure in having performed it.

5) Recall an instance when you controlled an impulse such as overcoming a desire or an instance when you refrained from saying something.

6) Think of a positive trait you have or that someone you respect said that you have.

7) Recall an instance when you felt inner strength and confidence. Try to experience that feeling by recalling the instance as vividly as possible. Make a cue that will help you remember that instance.

8) Think of something positive you would like to do. Imagine yourself actually doing it.

9) Think of something nice you can say to someone or do for someone. Imagine yourself actually saying or doing it.

10) Think of something you can do for self-improvement. Picture yourself actually improving.

Happily yours,

Liad Bar-EL

rjzeller

Some great thoughts there, Liad. Thanks for sharing!

Eclipsehornplayer

Yeah I'd say good advice for anyone...

Liad Bar-EL

This got me thinking, Kinghornplayer, and please do not think that I am pointing the finger at you to blame for I understand what you meant, in that your statement was not meant as derogatory. Yet, I can not ignore the principle here of that statement.

What I am trying to say here is that happiness is not generic. Arafat and the Islamic supporters are not happy unless they kill Jews and they keep themselves happy by thinking/planning ways for that to happen. Some are not happy unless they have a young kid to rape, drugs to take, money to steal, idols to worship, etc, etc, etc. For anyone to use these ideas that I have listed for any of these things would not be a service to humanity but rather a disservice. I can see that this subject is getting into religion. I am not trying to proselytize anyone here to Judaism; so, moving this thread to the religion forum will not help. Therefore, this is my last post on this thread.

458 more posts until the Forte Club.

Liad Bar-EL

mike ansberry

I think this has merit, but does not work in all situations. For example, I have found a way to make a living that I truely enjoy doing. This makes me happy. I don't see how you can say it isn't the situation that causes my emotional reaction. If I hated my job and dreaded going to work every day, I don't think I could really improve it long term by working on my attitude towards it. When my son was killed on his 18th birthday that made me very sad. It wasn't my attitude towards the event. The loss directly triggers a very intense reaction.

I think that to a large degree this is a lot of bs.

fundenlight

Things like this will always be non applicable and false as long as someone refuses to apply them to their life and does not believe they will work. If you were to try these concepts with an open mind with the expectation that they will work then they will. Your mind is absolutely amazing. This same idea can be seen in religion. Those people that believe that God exists are constantly finding things in their life and the world around them that validate and reinforce their beliefs. Likewise, those that do not believe in God are always finding things that validate their beliefs.
So, if you were to believe the things that Liad posted and apply them to your life, then you will see things in your life that validate that belief (ie. you would be happier more often).

Liad Bar-EL

A lot of bs you say? I will not add to your thoughts of bs any more than I have to; so, please excuse my random writing without format for I am now thinking out loud so as to save my time for none bs activities.

For the very reason why I have not wanted to continue this thread is the very reason that you challenge me with your post.

Happiness to some is not happiness to others and I think I made this very clear as you seem to support; therefore, I do not understand your comment: " I don't see how you can say it isn't the situation that causes my emotional reaction." If you can not find a way to improve your attitude toward a job that you hate, then you are pretty well confined to your own way of thinking and there isn't anything that anybody else could say to change your mind. It is my opinion, however, that attitude has a great part in how one handles life as well as death.

You did not give me the particulars of your son's death in how he was killed; however, when your son was killed, you claim that your attitude had nothing to do with how you felt and this is understandable. You probably didn't realize how much of a negative attitude you had inside yourself until he was killed. This negative attitude is especially prevalent if one does not believe in trusting the Almighty in all aspects of a person's life including life itself, death, food, clothing, a place to live, health, illnesses, etc. Even if a person's pet dog is ill or close to death can bring on tremendous sadness and negativity; however, putting a trust in the Creator is like a life-line from this sadness. It appears that the death of your son was sudden and unexpected which is a truly a shock of sadness that could make one bitter if one faces it with a negative attitude. How do you think it feels when no body has trust and hope in an after-life and to then see one's own mother suffer from Alzheimer's? This is not a sudden death but a very "long goodbye." For me, who faces death (the sudden and the slow kinds) every day, I and my next door neighbors can very well understand and empathize with you whole heartedly about the loss your son but we do not agree with your attitude nor with the disbelief in it's relevance and importance in dealing with death or in a job or in anything one faces in life.

When a family member dies, the pain of grief cannot be dismissed for sure. Accept this pain rather than fight it and it will be easier to tolerate. Feeling grief is an expression of your love for the deceased. You can face it with a positive attitude and feel positive about having those feelings of grief. To hope, to trust and to believe that a person's death is not the end of his existence but that his soul goes to a better world will help develop a positive attitude inside you and will give off to others these positive feelings about your family member's death.

To have others mourn with you for your loss and for you to mourn with others of their loss is positive (attitudinally) for it is empathizing with the suffering of others and in fulfillment of the commandment to "love your neighbor" (fellowman). I have gone to many houses of mourning and have not known what to say; however, just being there gives comfort to the grieving person(s). Many cry over their personal loss without the focus being on the person who died. Positive thinking and positive actions will counter this however.

Grief is often accompanied by guilt feelings. Many people look back at how they behaved toward the deceased and remember their mistakes in relating properly to him when he was alive. Since we can no longer make amends, these feelings can become very painful and at times they can become obsessive. One has to force himself to live in the present. Ask yourself, "What can I do in the present to honor the memory of the deceased?" I have seen neighbors set up a trust fund in their child's name to help others in the similar situations. Turn this grief into positive action so that others will not grieve will make you more of a whole person in our world of humanity and will help relieve possible guilt feelings one might have over the person's death. One can give a donation in deceased person's name to worthy causes. You can honor your son's death by daily doing an act of kindness without publicity and fanfare. Positively thinking of ways to honor your son's death or of anyone's death will change your negative attitude. It will take your mind off counterproductive thoughts of self-blame, guilt, bitterness, etc.

Have you ever thought about how you might feel just before your own death? It will probably be much like how you felt about your son's death. You might be thinking about how you have not fulfilled all of your wishes and plans. In the moments before your death you might have complaints against the Almighty much like you may have had during your son's death or you might fatalistically accept your death by saying, "What can be done? My body is giving in to the laws of nature. The doctors have given up hope." Both of these attitudes are wrong, IMO, for it is at this time that you face the greatest challenge of your life. You have the potential to humble yourself to the will of the Almighty with love. If one has not mastered control of his thoughts, he is likely to waste his last moments thinking of petty resentments and desires. Frequently confusion, ignorance and fear of death will swallow up every other thought unless one has prepared for that occasion.

I would not advise you to do the following; however, to help illustrate a point, the Talmud (Brochos 31) relates that at the wedding of Mar, the son of Ravina, the Sages asked Rav Hamnuna to sing a song. He replied, "Woe to us that we die! Woe to us that we die!" Since we have an obligation to help the bride and groom rejoice at their wedding, how was it proper for Rav Humnuna to say something that would cause sadness? Rabbi Moshe Rosenstein explained thus: They wanted him to sing in order to add joy to the occasion. He mentioned death to explain that if you really want to rejoice, you should not forget the day of death. When you are able to recall death and nevertheless rejoice, that is true joy. But if you need to forget death in order to rejoice it is not a "happiness of a good deed" (simcha shel mitzvah). Your joy is not one that stems from elevation. While remembering death, you can still feel joy either because you have already served the Almighty, or because you are now resolved to serve Him in the future.

When Rabbi Simcha Bunim of Parshischo was on his deathbed, his wife felt the impending loss and wept profusely. Rav Simcha Bunim consoled her by saying, "Why are you crying? My entire life has been a preparation for this moment."

If you personally accept your death, you will be able to give your family an attitude that will make it easier for them to cope with their grief.

The Kotzker Rabbi used to say: "Death is merely moving from one home to another. The wise man will spend his main efforts in trying to make his future home the more beautiful one."

My mother use to say to when I was kid, "You made your bed; now, you will have to lie in it." If you have wasted your years of life and not developed yourself and the lives of your children to be the best in character that one is able to accomplish then fear, resentment, hopelessness and all the negative attitudinal attributes will set in. This can be changed because you still have opportunities to "make your bed" for yourself and in memory of your late son.

May your son be remembered for good.

Liad Bar-EL

mike ansberry

Hey, Liad. I didn't mean to sound so harsh. I should have just said that I don't buy into this idea entirely. Sometimes your attitude towards an event does affect your emotional reaction. But sometimes it doesn't. When I was young I had a job cleaning up a drive in theater on Saturday morning. I don't know if you know what that is like, but cleaning septic tanks would be better. The job was disgusting, and no amount of positive attitude would change that. I didn't grouch about doing the job. I took care of business and didn't whine to others about it. But I got a different job just as soon as I could find one.

Joey was killed when he was riding his bike and was hit by a truck. He was out riding with friends. They liked to go on long (15+ mile) bike rides. He was a fitness nut and liked to exercise. He had said that if God told him that he had one day to live, he'd like to spend it with his friends, and have just enough time to look up and see death coming and say, "here I come, God". He went out just the way he wanted to go.

As far as my reaction to my son's death, my family and I are devout Roman Catholics. We believe furvently that Joey is in heaven. We would not want him to have to come back here. We are happy for him. It is a purely selfish feeling we have. His loss has left a huge void in our lives that will never be filled. We go on each day. We have a teenage daughter, and we owe it to her to make as normal a life as possible.
We have no regrets about our relationship with Joey. He was a good kid and we did the very best job we could raising him. We have started a college scholarship in his name.

I think most people who know me would say that I have a positive attitude about life. But some situations cause emotional reactions no matter what your attitude is. No amount of positive thinking is going to make me happy bout losing my son.

Liad Bar-EL

Concerning traveling on the road, we seem to live in an age when people are very thoughtless about death. My wife works for the Department of Education in teaching teachers how to educate children about road safety which not only includes driving a car but also riding a bicycle. I mentioned before in other posts that Israel has lost more lives in road "accidents" than in all the wars that she has had in her 58 year history. A traffic official was asked why the warning signs along the highway read "Speeders lose licenses." Shouldn't they use the more powerful slogan, "Speeders lose lives"? He replied that the average motorist is much more anxious about possibly losing his driver's license, than about possibly losing his life. Whatever we do and especially on the road, we seem to never allow ourselves even a passing thought about death until a close one is killed. In your case, it is hoped that the truck driver that killed your son at least got charged for involuntary manslaughter.

To center one's interest on life rather than death may be a positive approach, but to pretend that death does not exist, is nothing less then sheer stupidity. The death of a close loved one does not make anybody happy. My intent of this whole thread was to show people a way of thinking on what they encounter in life and this means even death and turn these events into something positive thereby maintaining and even developing more happiness in ones life.

I do not know about your level of happiness in life but in my case, death of a family member has made my happiness in general a lot more serious and "genuine" and not so frivolous as it was before.

It is good to learn that you and your wife have turned this tragic event into something positive and long lasting.

All the best to you and your family,

Liad Bar-EL