Liad Bar-EL

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
Lenny Bruce

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
Mel Brooks

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it.
Sam Levenson

Don't be humble; you are not that great.
Golda Meir

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
! Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution
Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger

Alex Yates

I gotta go with the Kissinger line.....too funny. Thank you for all of the laughs Liad!

Mel Brooks is my comedic hero. I have the "2000 Year Old Man" on CD. You just reminded me to go find it and listen to it again.

And to all of my sisters and brothers of the Jewish faith, have a Happy Hannukah this year. I know the Festival of Lights does not start for another week, but I thought this was a good place to post such sentiments.

Shalom.

Tootsall

hmm.... I started out to list the order of "truthfulness" of each of these speakers. I gave up.... they're all dead on! LOL

Thanks, Liad. Good to see you "up and about".

gzent

Liad,

Nice to see you back!

Happy Hanukkah!

Greg

A.N.A. Mendez

My fav. "When your kids are little you get no sleep, when they get older you get no rest" OY

Robert Rowe

Liad -- Hello, again.

We need to have some New York bagels and coffee, sometime.

Robert Rowe

Liad Bar-EL

New York bagels in New York?

Liad

Solar Bell

Liad wrote:
Liad!

Thanks for the Malkin quote!

It's from my favorite book:
"Eichmann In My Hands" by Peter Malkin.

A fascinating story!

L'chai-im!

-cw-

Liad Bar-EL

Jewish Mothers and Psychiatrists

"I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist.

"I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
"A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

gregc

You throw 10 jews on a basketball court......
wadda' ya got?

an instant real estate convention!

iforgetwho.