bandman

Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes

June 1st was the start of hurricane season. In the coming months, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!).
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!

__________________

40cal

I'd rather take my chances w/the hurricane than move to Nebraska

Tootsall

Exactly my point about ANY insurance. The law tells me I must have liability insurance for my car.... good point; any clown can run into you and any smart lawyer can figure out a way to make it look like it's YOUR fault.

The mortgage lenders insist on loss insurance on property that they're still extracting money from me for... so that's OK too.

The government takes money from me for 'health insurance'. I'd love to say bad things about this but since my youngest daughter had to have heart surgery at the age of 4 (to correct a narrowed aorta), I kind of figure I'm still ahead of that game. (although I went in to see my doctor about getting an old mole removed and he said (the doctor, not the mole) "you must have about the only chart in this office that's still on paper! How long HAS it been?".... and that was just before he said "at your age I have decided I'm going to schedule you for a complete physical, cholesterol and bp check and PSA test".... which I was kind of expecting.)

I bought trip cancellation insurance in case my father-in-law passed away just prior to our trip to Europe this summer and we had to cancel the trip. The gentleman had the grace to pass away last month... maybe I should cancel the insurance now?.... naaaa... let it run. I'm not THAT cheap.

Oh... and I have riders to cover my instruments. Hmmm..... I wonder how much money I could have to retire on if I didn't carry insurance? (or how much I could have to replace stuff or pay for stuff if I'd invested those premiums myself?)

Still.... hoping you-all can get through this season in good shape and with all of those gas and oil platforms up and running at full speed! (I don't think I can stand another hit on energy costs). One of the places I'd love to see/enjoy in this lifetime would be Mardi Gras and the N.O. jazz scene... so the better shape it's in the greater the enjoyment would be.

Now.. if I live in Yorba Linda, Orange County or Mission Viejo do you think I should get earthquake insurance?..........