bandman

St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans that were converging on the Pearly Gates. Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do. God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once." St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!" God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly."


St Peter said, ............................... "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"


I'm from Louisiana so I can post this without being politically incorrect! We've had it rough down here, but we have learned to laugh at ourselves. No storms this year for us!!!

Tootsall

I'm with bandman... we've had way too much politics and not enough humour (using English spelling). So in conjunction with the consideration that we're approaching the peak summer travel season, here is another for today:

Airline Funnies

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

13. Another flight Attendant comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Maam", said the pilot, "what is it?" The little lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a Flight Attendant arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Eclipsehornplayer

All Good ones guys....

I flew back home to Detroit back in February 2006. When we landed in Detroit the Pilot came on and said this:

"Ladies and gentleman we know you have a lot of bankrupt airlines to choose from these days so on behalf of myself and the crew we'd like to thank you for choosing ours!"

This was on a Northwest Airlines flight from Atlanta to Detroit...

Solar Bell

OK....

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down here at the Harp Pub in County Kerry, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, "after a moment's calculation there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight of us!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, 'tis meself again. The war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?," Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"The Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Dan O'Brien's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"I dun't believe it!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' to ya, Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the auld war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints and decided there's no bloody way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners-of-war."

-cw-

Lawler Bb

I heard a good one when I was flying from St. Louis to Milwaukee two weeks ago:

As we were getting ready to push back from the gate, the pilot opened the cockpit door, leaned around the corner to look down the aisle of the plane. He turned on the PA and said: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm Captian XYZ and on behalf of American Eagle I welcome you aboard. I was just checking some numbers and well, the flight tonight is nearly full but if we take on a little extra fuel we can just make Las Vegas. We could sell the aircraft for about 21 million dollars and have one hell of a party! Let's have a show of hands to see who would like to do that instead of going to Milwaukee."

Of course we all raised our hands.


Eric

40cal