Solar Bell

AN IRISH BET



A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

-cw-

Solar Bell

AN IRISH POEM

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the heckare you I think.
I'm not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.

-cw-

Solar Bell

ONE NIGHT IN THE PUB

One night in a local pub, a man stumbled up to the only other patron in a bar and asked if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," came the reply.

The first man then asked, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replied the second man.

The first man responded, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replied the second man.

Curious, the first man then asked, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," came the reply.

"I can't believe it, " said the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!"

He continued, "Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replied the second man.

Curiosity again struck and the first man asked, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man said. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, one of the regulars came into the bar and sat down.

"What's been going on?" he asked the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

Solar Bell

DRINKING AGAIN



An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Clarino

Paddy and Murphy leave the pub at closing time, nicely tanked up on Guinness and decide to go back to Paddy's house for a drop of Bushmills.

As they stumble along the road, Murphy spots something on the pavement and picks it up, it's a mirror.

He looks at it quizzically, and says to Paddy "I'm sure I recognise this bloke form somewhere".

Paddy takes it off him, looks and says "It's me you fool!"

Manny Laureano

Paddy and Patricia have been friends for years. He wants to do something nice for her as he's always felt a deep affection for her as well. Wishing to impress her he says "Patricia, me love, sure'n there's some work about the house I could be doin' for ya. Just say the word and it'l be done!"

Patricia thinks for a moment and says "Oh, Paddy, that's a lovely gesture. I've got a porch that's in dire need of paintin' out back. Can ya do it for me this afternoon while I'm off shoppin'?"

Paddy's eyes brighten at the prospect and he says "What color, m'love?"

"Oh, Paddy! A flat yellow would be perfect!"

"Done" says Paddy. "Now, off with ya and when ya return the job will be done"

Well, true to his word, Paddy sanded, primed, and painted that porch a lovely yellow all in the three hours and a half that Patricia was away shopping. When she returned he proudly met her, dripping with paint and beaming proudly at her.

"Well, m' dear... 'tis done"

"Oh, Paddy, m' love... how can I ever thank ya?"

" No thanks are neccesary, Patricia. However, I do have to inform you about something I noticed."

"Oh? And what would that be, darlin'?"

"You've not got a Porch, dear. It's a Toyota!"



Told to me by one Jimmy Galway.

ML

Alex Yates

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

Thanks for all of the laughs this morning. I have on a green t-shirt that says "Made in Ireland". Don't forget to wear a little green today "me trumpet tootin' pals".

The_Lip

Y'all know what a 7 course Irish banquet consists of?
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A Potato & a six pack

Tootsall

Paddy walked into a NY bar late one evening. The bar was very quiet, only two or three customers and the bartender.

Paddy goes up to the bartender and says “I was wondering if you might be able to spare a cold glass of beer to a poor Irishman who is down on his luck?”

The bartender says “Look around… .does it seem to you like I’m so successful that I can afford to give away beer?”

Paddy replies “OK, I’ll make you a deal. If I can get a half dozen customers in here in the next 15 minutes will you give me a beer?”

The bartender says “sure…. You bet I would. In fact, if you can get a dozen here in half an hour I’ll give you a second beer!”

Paddy goes over to the piano and pulls a leprechaun out of his coat pocket. Placing the leprechaun on the keyboard of the piano he steps back and says “Go for it!”

The leprechaun immediately starts playing some of the most beautiful music you have ever heard: jigs, folk tunes, jazz, classical exerpts…. The little guy knows it all and plays it with such finesse and grace as to be amazing. A few people walking by on the sidewalk hear this music and come into the bar. Shortly there are at least 6 newcomers sitting down and buying drinks while they listen to the music.

The bartender pushes a mug of brew over to Paddy, saying “This is utterly amazing!... and on a Wednesday night, too!”

The leprechaun continues to play, the bar fills up and the bartender is busier than he has ever been in his life. Before anyone knows it, closing time comes around and the bar slowly empties out. Paddy goes over to the leprechaun and brings him back to the bar…placing a small beer in front of him.

The bartender says “I’ve never seen anything like that in my life! Tell me, where did you find this little fellow?”

Paddy says “Well, it’s like this. One day I was visiting my cousin over in Scotland. As I was walking through the woods on my way home from the pub I heard a noise… when I investigated I found a forest fairie who had fallen into a pool of water. When I rescued her she told me she’d grant me a wish. I guess it must have been my accent because I ended up with this ten-inch pianist!”

DLoeffler

This was my mother-in-law's favorite joke. (She was 100% Irish to the day she passed away.)

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?






One less drunk.