Vulgano Brother

ALIEN BIBLE TRANSLATED!

WEEKLY WORLD NEWS sources have confirmed that a professor at Webster University -- the birthplace of the world-famous English dictionary -- is in possession of a book that was printed on another world. What's more, the thick volume isn't a cookbook.

"It's an alien bible," said 41- year-old linguistics professor, Dr. Emmanuel Johnson, whose skill with foreign languages has earned him the nickname "Magic." "And wait till you hear who their god is!"

The book was discovered by construction workers who were on their lunch break...

"The first thing I noticed was that the markings were not the petroglyphs of Native Americans," Dr. Johnson said. "There were numbers and mathematical signs. One of them almost looked like the letters UPN and . NBC. If I didn't know better I'd have sworn they were a TV schedule."

The professor looked around the site before he left. "I found other remnants of an alien presence," he said, "including luggage and what looked like a door with a little diagram. I suspect that what the... crew had found was the remains of an alien outpost or motel on ancient earth."

Back in his library, Dr. Johnson opened the container.

Inside, Dr. Johnson found a small, thick book. The cover illustration showed a constellation that bore the unmistakable likeness of Oprah Winfrey. Stunned, he opened the book, which consisted of multicolored, cloth-like materials. The writing glowed when the professor looked at it.

"It was an illuminated manuscript," Dr. Johnson explained. "I was immediately able to translate the title, which is called Their Eyes Are Watching Me. The book was comprised of two sections: A Sacred Alien Testament: Written and a Sacred Alien Testament: Oral."

"The Written Testament is the shorter of the two. Apparently, the aliens didn't like to read much," said Dr. Johnson. "The text explains that Oprahs exist on many worlds. There are probably colonies of them throughout the universe, possibly a Planet of the Oprahs. They all spring from the Oprah who wrote the alien bible. It is likely that Earth's own Ms. Winfrey is descended from these beings.

"The Oral Testament actually speaks to the reader," Dr. Johnson revealed. "Naturally, it talks in the authoritative but reassuring voice of Oprah.

"It begins with a section called 'Syndication,' which encourages aliens to do good deeds on other worlds, including the Earth," Dr. Johnson continued. "We suspect that the alien visitors who owned this bible were missionaries, members of Oprah's 'The Angel Connection.' It instructs acolytes on the basics of worship, including the use of something called 'the remote.'

"Then there's a section called 'The Boutique' where you can obtain items like loungewear for worship, mugs for sacred beverages and caps to show your devotion to the 'Big O' as she is also called. This is followed by 'The Books of Oprah' which are a collection of stories and poems she likes. Most of these were written by an angel named Maya. Next there's a chapter called 'Ooooo' which is all about the do's and don'ts of sex. Finally, there's a very thin section on dealing with 'loss' -- weight loss. The foundation of the diet is the consumption of something called 'stedman graham crackers.' This chapter contains erasures which suggest that it was once much, much thicker. "We have only begun to delve into the volume, which is extremely complex."

Dr. Johnson intends to continue his studies of the alien bible and the other artifacts from...

"All I can say is I hope the aliens return to Earth," he told Weekly World News. "They'd be impressed at how much Oprah has influenced our own culture!"

Gaucho Viejo

An interesting archaeological finding. Did the writings refer to a belief in a spectral form of these "Oprahs"? If so, would one of them be called the phantom of the Oprah?

Tim

stchasking

Is it the Webster University in St. Louis, MO. USA?