Principaltrumpet

I have been searching all day for a "pick me up". Something just to make me laugh. My conducting prof read this to us today and I thought I would share.

The Players Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
By Donn Laurence Mills
1)NEVER be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about it takes the attention off of the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs
2)When raising the music stand, make sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3)Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal hall, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It is best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4)Look the other way just before he cues.
5)Never have the proper mute, or valve oil. Be sure to loudly ask a section member to borrow theirs.
6)Ask frequently to challenge the person ahead of you. Always give them the impression you are about to quit. Let the conductor know you are there as a personal favor to them.
7)Always drop mutes or tune to the person next to you when the director is giving directions.
8)Empty your water keys loudly and be sure you make a loud low pitch when doing so.
9)Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially efficient if you didnt have a C# or werent playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note on your part)
10)At dramatic moments in the music be busy marking your part, so the climax sounds empty and disappointing.
11)Wait until well into the rehearsal to let the conductor know you dont have music.
12)Look at your watch frequently, shake it in disappointment occasionally.
13)Tell the conductor "I cant find your beat"
14)Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstien recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "is this your first time to conduct this piece"
15)When rehearsing a difficult passage make a screwy face and indicate you wont ever be able to play it. Dont say anything, just make him worried.
16)If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Dont ask which one is correct until backstage just befor the concert.
17)Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 min early so others become restless and fidget with their things.
18)During the applause slowly pack up your horn. Make the conductor feel like you have better things to do.


I would never do any of these, but I thought a few of them were cute. This was an article out of a magazine from 1969.
JR

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Joshua C. Ritchie
http://www.joshuacritchie.com

Tom Mac

True story: While playing a Church gig a trumpeter, who shall remain unnamed, leaned over to his son (also a trumpeter) and said, "watch this." He than waited for the conductor to get ready to begin the piece (baton up) and took his horn apart and started to fiddle with it. Next he proclaimed, "Maestro, I'm not ready to begin yet!!" and continued to fiddle. All eyes are now on him, "Ok, we can start."
When the music began he leaned back over to his son and said, "You've got to show these B@$!@^ds who's in charge from the very start."

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T. Mac

"Music is a funny thing when you really come to think about it." M. Davis

Vulgano Brother

As to Nr. 8 on the list, a teaspoon of olive oil poured down the leadpipe helps provide an excellent "splaat" when emptying the water key. Especially effective in cathedrals with stone floors.

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camelbrass

One of my favourites is 'that's too fast/slow'. Gets a great reaction.


Regards,


Trevor

MrClean

I played a church gig (brass quintet) once with Mark Ridenour in college. The director was complaining that the brass were too loud, at which point I said "That's because you're standing so close to us. As you move back, the volume will drop off dramatically."

Sure enough, he starts us off and then starts walking out into the church to listen. Without saying a word to each other, the whole group starts playing softer and softer the further out he walks, and we start playing louder as he gets closer. He got back to the podium and exclaimed "You're right - keep the dynamic right where it is!"

Alex Yates

Thank you for the much-needed belly laugh today, J!

wiseone2

Never have faith in a promise made by a conductor.
During rehearsals of a Schoenburg work that began with a trumpet solo, a conductor promised he would give a preparatory beat to the player. He did at every rehearsal. At the Carnagie Hall performance, he strode on stage, took his bow, turned and dropped his hands............No preparatory beat! I followed him. I was the only one that did not believe the lie. The whole orchestra sat there with their mouths open.
Never believe a conductor.
Wilmer

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Be sure Brain is engaged before putting Mouthpiece in gear.
S.Suark 1951

Tom Mac

Mr Clean:

That is a great story but, you guys are EVIL!!!

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T. Mac

"Music is a funny thing when you really come to think about it." M. Davis

averagejoe

The title of this list could very easily be switched to "18 ways to never get called back for a gig" :wink:

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trumpet is so hard because it is so easy

Pedal C

That is TOO funny! HA!...still laughing!

So, I was playing in a regional orchestra and with a very wild conductor. THere was a particular entrance where we had a prominent rhythmic figure, but the conductor would change tempo randomly. So the first player asks to rehearse that spot and he conducts it exactly in time. We pack up and I asked the first guy if he though it would go right at the gig. "Not a chance," he said (and he was right, of course.)

Jason.

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