Manny Laureano

You can't make this stuff up.

I'm going to have to omit names to protect the guilty but it'll be interesting to see what responses and subsequent experiences "waft" up out of this.

Yesterday, when I came back into work after lunch, my nose crinkled at a pungent aroma in the backstage wings. People have a habit of bringing lunch from home and heating it up one of two microwaves we have. I figured someone had brought in a "unique" curry and heated it up.

The smell got stronger and revealed further some B.O. mixed in with it. Immediately I knew who it was. The usual suspect must have biked (as usual) somewheer for lunch and biked back without showering that morning and the combination of his lunch and that were... overpowering. This is the same idiot that takes his showers at the hall (because his showerhead doesn't work right) and douses himself with this Rosemary essence that make it impossible to use the bathroom it's smell is so strong. Yes, I told him off once because I had absloutely had it. He hasn't used it since.

Our brass section sits against the back right side wall just off the back of the second violins. The smell was foul. During the first movement of the Dvorák, I leaned over and gave the bass trombonist ten bucks and asked him to go across the street to buy some of those little pine tree air fresheners you hang in cars. He had two tacet movements and was chosen to make the run.

He showed up five minutes later with two Renuzit airfresheners which were put to good use on stage right away. He also bought a Hertz Flea and Tick spray but I couldn't get close enough to spray his nasty butt.

While this was one gnarly affair, apparently it doesn't hold a... ahem... candle to what happened to one of my section mates when he was playing with another hemi-semi pro orchestra early in his career.

There was a second violinist who decided to start up a macro-biotic diet. This wreaked havoc with her digestive system and resulted in a new explosive side to her personality. From what I've been given to understand there was an incident where she let go with such a breathtaking fury that the half of the violin section that was around her literally got up and left...

... during a concert.

The personnel manager, a friend of my section mate, confided that she was the first person in that orchestra's history to receive a "flatulence memo" from the management.

ML

Solar Bell

That was a gas Manny!

-cw-

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Chuck Willard
The Willard of Oz

"Don't be afraid to see what you see."
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Derek Reaban

Manny,

When I was in college (I still remember this vividly), I had a class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and this guy ended up sitting behind me for many of those classes. He was always outside smoking and drinking strong coffee, and the combination of those two smells, with him breathing behind me was almost more than I could take. That was 20 years ago and it still brings up a shuddering feeling in me.

When I was working as a busser at a restaurant in Tucson (high school), I had just started my shift, and my server told me that she had heard a huge crash in the upper pass bar. “Lucky me! I had her section that night”. When I went to survey the damage, she had apparently reached up to get a bottle of ketchup, lost her balance and pulled this shelf off the wall. There were dozens of bottles of ketchup and soy sauce that came crashing down onto the tile floor. The combination of these two smells and the sheer volume of ooze that I had to clean up was just about too much for me. Somehow I managed to pick out all of the broken glass and then stepped outside to get some fresh air before I went back in with the bucket and the mop.

On another job in college, I was a pipe-threader for a dry cleaning contractor. I would thread various diameters of pipes, cut to exact lengths and bring them in to where they were installing new equipment. There was also welding work going on in these stores, and there was the guy that had to grind the welds with the spinning grinder. That smell of burning metal makes me literally sick to my stomach to this day!

Clearly not as funny as your stories, but man, smells suck when you’re trying to do your job and they literally are overwhelming.

__________________
Derek Reaban
Tempe, Arizona

Vulgano Brother

Likely culprits, in order of instrument:

Strings:

• Viola
• Double Bass
• Violin
• Cello

Woodwinds:

• Oboe
• Basson
• Clarinet
• Flute

Brass:

• French Horn

Somehow, my intuition tells me Double Bass. Close?

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ROGERIO

VB,

I think your guess is incorrect. Manny said they sit behind the 2nd violins. Usually the bass section is behind the cellos... aren't they?

If not a second violinist, this just might be a woodwind player...

ummm, Earthy in nature, single or married to someone with similar hygene habits, Greenpeace sticker on their case, Schwinn 3 speed bicycle, birkenstocks (with socks)... etc, etc

Manny, you didn't mention if they commented on the air freshners?

Pedal C

Man, that is bad! I hope you hung the little air fresheners on your stands and pointed your bells directly at that guy's head.

I went to school with a guy who...um...let's just say everyone knew if he'd eaten spicy food recently. The smell was bad, but not as bad as the burning eyes.

Jason.

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tpter1

I remember a job I had in college. I used to install appliances for a retailer on Long Island. You see all kinds of stuff when your job involves going into other people's homes.

We had this one job, my partner and I...a dryer. Down in the basement. Normally, not a big job at all, especially if it's a replacement electric dryer. We showed up, and they (the people living there) kept their dogs iin the basement. The stench of dog waste was so bad we had to leave every minute or so. When we finished, my partner literally ran out the door and emptied the contents of his stomach next to the van. It was horrible.

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-Glenn
"Roses have thorns; shining waters mud. Clouds and eclipses stain the moon and the sun; and history reeks of the wrongs we have done. After today, after today, consider me gone."- Sting

Manny Laureano

Rogerio,

You are good, damned good....

In fact, you are so good you just earned a spot in our little bit of TM 24.

Stay tuned.

ML

Brekelefuw

I think in every big band section I have ever played in there has been a guy who likes to 'let himself go' a few times during a show or rehearsal. It gets really hard to solo when every time you take a breath you choke.

S-Money

ditto to that... our lead player in our wind ensemble and jazz band prides himself on being more gaseous than the sun... he eats so much mcdonalds, that anytime there is a "pressure release," i look around for someone holding a big mac... but then i realize, its just him! Hes a good friend, and its actually quite impressive! ive never known anyone to be able to do that... but yeah, its hard to quote the Enzyte theme in my jazz solos when laughing (im telling you, im going to make quoting that catch on!)

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