Worst writing awards -- hillarious

rjzeller · 07-11-2006, 04:49 PM

Okay, the writer in me just has to share this. I'm not sure I could be this bad if I tried. Link below:

http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm

...a few of my favorites:

Quote:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe who had so much equity (because our story, dear children, is set in Miami's hot real estate market) that she upgraded the exterior to blue suede siding as a tribute to her idol, Elvis, moved her kids to a bootee out back, and then reopened the place as the "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" motel (but you'll have to wait until you're 18 to read any further).

Quote:

Despite the vast differences it their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso machine.

Quote:

Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking.

Quote:

When she sashayed across the room, her breasts swayed like two house trailers passing on a windy bridge.

Quote:

The day was like any other, except that this was a Wednesday so it was really only like 1/7th of the other days.

And for all you parents out there...

Quote:

I saw her from across the room and knew I had to meet her, not because of her ample bosom, or her full lips, or her beautiful creamy skin, or the way her hair was twisted into a nice tight bun, or the buttoned-up blouse that begged to be torn off her body, or the skirt that was perhaps a size too small, but because she was my kid's teacher and I was here for the parent-teacher conference.

...Z

Tootsall · 07-11-2006, 05:17 PM

B15M · 07-11-2006, 05:23 PM

love it

trumpetmike · 07-11-2006, 06:29 PM

The_Lip · 07-11-2006, 06:35 PM

Oh, those are terrible!

Rgale · 07-12-2006, 01:03 AM

Actually, they couldn't be better!
Thanks for those..... some of the best Bulwer-Lytton contest entries I have ever had the pleasure of reading......

Manny Laureano · 07-12-2006, 01:38 AM

Okay, let's be honest:

Didn't many of those remind you of half the posts we read around here?

Good grief, those are funny.... thanks, Richard, for posting those!

ML

rjzeller · 07-12-2006, 01:53 AM

Quote:

Didn't many of those remind you of half the posts we read around here?

You mean...like about 1/2 of Chuck Willard's posts? I would agree!

Manny Laureano · 07-12-2006, 02:06 AM

Whoooooa... a glove jes' got throwed cleear to Michigan from Minnesody and I think it hit that there Dee-troit boy right in the chops!

ML

Solar Bell · 07-12-2006, 09:19 AM

What can I say....My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

While on the other hand...just look at my critic's avatar.

And do we really wnt o go back to the days of BC (before Chuck) when the Minnesota contigent would just sit around and discuss trumpet related things like...

"What is the best valve oil to use when it's 40 below zero?"

"I locked my trumpet in the car and the locks are frozen, because it's 40 below zero. How can I open the door before July?"

"I have an outdoor gig in June, how can I keep my mouthpice warm when it's 40 below zero?"

And of course the ubiquitous;

"Will the Bach 37 bell perform better than the 43 bell when it's 40 below zero?"

Is that what you really want? Fine! I'm outta here. You won't have Schilke B6 to kick around any more!

-cw-

07-11-2006, 06:35 PM	#5 (permalink)
The_Lip Pianissimo User Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Escondido, CA Posts: 148	Oh, those are terrible! __________________ '72 Olds Studio '67 Olds Ambassador Schilke 11 & 15A4 -------------- "Gentlemen, there are only two types of naval vessels..... Submarines & Targets" - U.S. Navy Submarine SONAR Instructor

07-12-2006, 01:03 AM	#6 (permalink)
Rgale Mezzo Forte User Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 857	Actually, they couldn't be better! Thanks for those..... some of the best Bulwer-Lytton contest entries I have ever had the pleasure of reading...... __________________ Listen to your inner voice before it says ,"I told you so".

07-12-2006, 09:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
Solar Bell Moderator Fortissimo User Join Date: May 2005 Location: Metro Detroit Posts: 4,273	What can I say....My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives. While on the other hand...just look at my critic's avatar. And do we really wnt o go back to the days of BC (before Chuck) when the Minnesota contigent would just sit around and discuss trumpet related things like... "What is the best valve oil to use when it's 40 below zero?" "I locked my trumpet in the car and the locks are frozen, because it's 40 below zero. How can I open the door before July?" "I have an outdoor gig in June, how can I keep my mouthpice warm when it's 40 below zero?" And of course the ubiquitous; "Will the Bach 37 bell perform better than the 43 bell when it's 40 below zero?" Is that what you really want? Fine! I'm outta here. You won't have Schilke B6 to kick around any more! -cw- __________________ Chuck Willard *The Willard of Oz* "Don't be afraid to see what you see." Ronald Reagan

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07-11-2006, 05:17 PM	#2 (permalink)
Tootsall Fortissimo User Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Yee HAW! Posts: 4,641

07-11-2006, 05:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
B15M Forte User Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Monroe Ct. Posts: 1,308	love it

07-11-2006, 06:29 PM	#4 (permalink)
trumpetmike Forte User Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Farnham (a place too smal Posts: 1,202

07-12-2006, 01:38 AM	#7 (permalink)
Manny Laureano Utimate User Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: USA Posts: 5,989	Okay, let's be honest: Didn't many of those remind you of half the posts we read around here? Good grief, those are funny.... thanks, Richard, for posting those! ML

07-12-2006, 02:06 AM	#9 (permalink)
Manny Laureano Utimate User Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: USA Posts: 5,989	Whoooooa... a glove jes' got throwed cleear to Michigan from Minnesody and I think it hit that there Dee-troit boy right in the chops! ML

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